a VERY long time ago...
i posted a relatively... revealing post about myself. it was posted as a way to say something to my brother. who, if you know me, know i LOVE like nothing else. you also know, if you've talked to me recently, that he is a worrying sort of person. he's been doing some really amazing things with his life, he's also doing (currently) some things i wish he wouldn't.
or maybe its just because i am a worrier. either way, steven is both the light in my life often, and the bane of my life others. currently... he's being very uncommunicative with me. for reasons i don't fully understand, unless its just that he thinks i'm taking the parents side of the current 'big' issue. i miss him though. a lot a lot.
so where am i going with this post? what do i really have to say? some things are worth fighting about. some things are worth standing up for. and sometimes people need you to stand up for them. other times, taking that step back, really looking at the future of that 'thing' you're fighting for, standing up for, and the people you're standing against... and really seriously look. before you continue down this road, before you are bound to this path, this fight, this 'thing'... before you take one more step... please. stop and look at all of the big picture.
and remember that your parents and your sister love you so much. want the best for you. desire to help you. guide you. steer you away from our mistakes. please. realize too, your sister is pleading with you.
march is here!!!!
and anyone who knows me well knows why i am SO EXCITED!!!!
i have a little story to tell...
on my wall in my office i have many pictures. some of my kids from here, some from VA, some from MD, some from rochester, and some pictures of myself and my friends and family from when i was a youngin. long long ago.
anyway, there is a picture of my brother that EVERYTIME i see it laugh. most people look at it and say 'what is he doing?' because unless you were there, it's not so apparent. stevn is in his car, and obviously has his mouth open and is laughing. but what's in his mouth... that's another story.
at the time the picture was taken, my brother and several of my friends had agreed to be part of a youth retreat i planned for my kids at conklin. we stopped at a mcdonalds on the way down because it was MARCH and everyone who loves MARCH knows what that means at mcd's.
oh yes.
that's right.
SHAMROCK SHAKES!!!
yeah baby.
so we stopped to get something to eat and some SHAMROCK SHAKES because it was MARCH! and were leaving. while we were all getting back into cars to get to our destination, steven began laughing at something or other and spit out some of his SHAMROCK SHAKE (which i can't even fathom doing, but whatever). he found this even funnier and commented on the look of it on the ground. from there, we all got into our vehicles, but as we were doing this, we noticed a family had dislodged from their vehicle nearby. and were looking toward steven with total disgust. my car turned around to look and saw steven, mouth open, SHAMROCK SHAKE spilling from his mouth. for whatever reason we all found this hysterical and so the picture was taken... steven in the driver seat of his little blue ford, the cwob was in the back with massive speakers, and green SHAMROCK SHAKE in steven's mouth.
needless to say, on close inspection it's icky, but it never fails to make me laugh.
and so we have now clearly discovered the reason for my joy of it being MARCH.
no, st.pat's day is great, but it's not that. it's not the fact that spring is coming, or the school year is almost over, though all those things are delightful as well. it is simply, and solely for the fact that mcdonalds has SHAMROCK SHAKES.
ahhh. sweet love.
happy birthday steven!
24 years ago sunday my brother was born. my mom has a favorite story from when i was little and we brought steven home.
when i was little, and even now, i had a vivid imagination and feared the dark like nobodies business. i always had to have the nightlight in my room on and/or the hall light had to be left on and my door had to be open. i did not like being alone in the dark because you never knew/know what kind of things lurk in that darkness.
i personally now NEED to sleep in pitch darkness and cannot stand to have any light coming into my room at night (just ask rick). it's one of my oddities.
at any rate, the day we brought steven home, my mom took me up to bed, read me a story, and said good night. then she was leaving and the hall light was on. apparently i said 'mom you don't need to leave the light on. i'm ok because i'm not alone anymore.'
years later, i'm still not alone. steven and i have lived through hell together (our parents not-fun divorce), we've driven each other mad with pushing each other's buttons, and we've laughed more together then i think i've laughed with anyone (except maybe leo). we made up games, steve and kate, where we solved crimes and chased bad guys, we beat on each other, we learned from each other, we protected each other, we hoped and dreamed for each other... all in all, i have a wonderful guy to call my brother.
steven (or steve as he's known to the world outside of our family) is fun and funny, charming, disarming, smart, willing to try new things, protective of his family, a momma's boy, handsome, kind, generous, daring, always pushing limits, envelopes, and me, thoughtful, irritating, and awesome.
happy birthday steven. i love you!
melissa, steven, and life this week
(actually, it'll be in the reverse order, oh well)
this week has been insanely hectic. i am in school, 2 science classes, 2 jobs, one which gives me health ins. as long as i work at least 17.5 hours a week (which means i have to keep track and be sure i have worked the req. number of hours at both, so... let's count it up, 8 hours in class, 8 hours out of class, 19.5 hours at the church, at least 17. 5 (this week has been past 20 so far) ... 55-ish hours so far, and that's since sunday, and its friday, 144 hours... surprisingly i have actually been out of work and home or elsewhere the majority of this week. it's funny, since i feel like all i do is work and go to class. :)
i've started the quilt class. which is actually wed. not tues. we went, we cut some fabric, we sewed a tiny bit, and have a bunch of things to do for homework.
so (to end my whiny-ness) i have fabric to cut and sew before wed, i have a chem test monday, that i'm not ready for, and i have a bio test on wed. again, not ready yet. i know the cancer and bones aspects, and that's it. muscles, i don't know half of what i should. sheesh.
anyway, enough of the fussing. steven got a job in albany, is moving this weekend. and while he was up there looking for an apartment last week apparently ran into someone. this someone has been in his life since kindergarten. this person is awesome and my mom and i love this person a lot. .... the person is erica. steven has adored her literally since they met. in fact, in kindergarten announced he was in love with her. since then, they have had alternating crushes and the fact that he ran into her, completely unplanned, had no idea she was there, they'd kind of lost touch, is AWESOME. we love erica. and i'm not saying anything should happen, but i will say, mom and i would be THRILLED if it did. we love her!! :)
while i get ready for school/work on thursdays and fridays i watch dr phil or live with reg and kelly and ellen. :) love her! this morning i was watching/listening to live with regis and kelly. and they said melissa etheridge would be on. well, she came on while i was taking a bath. (love baths). so i didn't actually see her. but she sang. and she sang this. and i had tears. and i love her even more. please go and buy the cd. support breat cancer research and help find a cure for this disease.
even more wonderful, it made me proud of my mom. and although it isn't breast cancer that got to my aunt susan, her too. what i wish now, was that this cyberknife that is now available to treat brain tumors and tumors too close to the spine for normal surgeries had been available 6 years ago. she'd still be here now.... i miss her a lot.
a snowball
i just got an email from my stepdad... i am so thankful for him.
sometimes (it's) like a big snow ball. it starts to roll down hill. and you don't want it to. so you get in front of it and try to stop it, and you slip and slide and use up a lot of energy, but then realize it's so big and you step aside and let it roll where it may. hoping it doesn't destruct too much. it's that time.
i think a lot of people can use this in a lot of situations... i know myself... i need to step aside. it is that time. i've been wondering about this situation my entire family is watching unfold. i am sure they've watched me hang on to destructive things in the past, people (like j. from an entry way back), things, relationships... and just been able to watch. not do anything for me. and i have seen friends do the same things i've done. hang onto things long after it is good. long after it's gone bad. long after it's gone so bad that hanging onto it is beyond destructive. it's simply atomic. the blast affecting everyone nearby. why do we hang onto these things (people, relationships, jobs, etc) when they are hurting us? what's the point exactly...
i think for me, at the beginning, it's simple refusal to recognize it's bad for me. after i finally do realize that, it's defiance, i won't give in to my family/friends because they were right. i don't want to admit i was wrong. i actually can say that now, i really don't like admitting i'm wrong about things. i hate it. but then once it gets past that, those layers peeled away, the idiocy i show to everyone... after that's gone, it comes down to my savior desire. wanting to save people from whatever it is that isn't good. be it their attitude, their behavior, their ... whatever. i want to save them and i somehow thing that holding on to a job where i am clearly fed up, or a relationship that is past it's prime, or a person who doesn't want to be held... i somehow think i will save them.
and as i've said before, i can't do that. i can't save anyone but me. and to save myself... sometimes i have to walk away. and sometimes it's devistating to walk away... but you have to do it because otherwise, you'll drown too.
pip, i know the hurts you feel. take care of YOURSELF. you need to do that first.
chris, i love you to pieces, i'm glad you're walking away from 'that'. you're stronger than i am.
b., do what you have to do. we'll all still be here.
steven, we love you. we all hope this (all of it) is truly what you desire with everything you are. we only want the best for you.
the hardest thing in this world ...is to live in it. be brave. live. for me.
a quote i have stolen off of pip's page. ...wow.
... i wish i knew him more in some ways so i could know more of how to be of help to him.
i think i wish that sometimes of people i know through others. my desire to help them... my wish to 'save the world'.
i used to watch rosie o'donnell on TV, and i used to like her a lot. then i got annoyed with her overbearing-ness and her... generally irritating something-ness. so i stopped watching and stopped really paying attention to her. however, a week or so ago i read her book, find me. i think she wrote a book about her life itself and coming out and yada yada. but this one wasn't about that. this was about a girl who called the hotline of the adoption agency rosie funds. a girl who had been 'raped by a youth minister, was 14 years old, and...' yeah. wow. i was a little shocked when i read that part.
so i read the book.
wow. eye opener.
i don't think it's fair when people give away the endings to books, movies, etc. and i try not to do that, but it's unlikely any of you will read the book. so here it is. the 'girl' was a woman in her 30's who has MPD (multiple personality disorder). she 'morphs' into the 14 year old girl, her parents, her nurses, etc. there was no baby, there was no youth minister....
this has nothing to do with pip.
nothing. pip is dealing with some stuff that i can't imagine. divorce is a struggle when it's amicable. i can't imagine having your family thousands of miles away while reeling from the pain. i admire him for the strength he has shown in the short time i've known him and in the small ways i know him.
no, i'm saying this because i understand why rosie kept calling the 'girl'. why she tried to help her. why when her friends and family told her she had to let it go, she didn't and couldn't.
like rosie, i want to be able to save the world.
but i can't do that.
i'm not really a supergirl.
i'm just a girl.
and i can only save myself.
just like everyone else, at the end of the day, can really only save themselves.
and so on that note, i am releasing a burden i have born for years.
several in fact.
i couldn't have saved gary from his pain or the gun that took him from me.
i couldn't have rescued my aunt from cancer and the doctors did what they could.
i couldn't stop my grandma's heart attack and i can't go back to the night we left her at the hospital.
i couldn't cry enough tears to save anyone i've lost.
and i couldn't protect someone from the pain they have endured.
i can live my life as i need to. and listen to those struggling. but i can't do more.
i can't rescue everyone. i couldn't if i tried. it's not possible.
i'm only me.
so pip, i'm listening when you need....
pookie, i love you all the time.
steven, i pray every day.
dad, mom, brent, trish; i am thankful for how you have helped me save myself.
b. each day, every way... this will be ok, 'we' will be ok. i'm being patient. i promise.
mike, collin, ryan; we ache together, miss her always, but we had her.
gary's mom, he loved us so much.
and to that one i keep trying to rescue and save and help, i am going to let go, let you do what you need to do.
i'm here. but i can't do more.
i'm sorry. i wish i could. but i can't rescue anyone but myself.
weird things to mention....
maybe...
when i was 18, i dated a guy who was... pushy. pushy about a lot of things. his opinions, his ideas, his desires.
'j' and i worked together at a camp that summer, it was really the only time we spent together. during that time, he flirted, a lot, with several other girls we worked with. what i knew was that i liked him, a lot, and for some reason wanted to be with him. he was kind of a free spirit, nomad-type, ...in some ways what i admire about my step sister heather. she's very free, lives her life her way, doesn't conform. she's cool.
the major difference between them is that heather is cool in all ways, she isn't forceful about her life, her ideas, or is pushy about things she wants. he was.
he was really pushy, so much so that looking back, i'd say it was to a point of being verbally abusive. not about me as a person, per say, but about my ideals. my desires in life, my plans. including my virginity.
he was verbally abusive about my ideal to stay one until i married. how I made the choice for him, he had no say in the matter. he didn't like that... at all.
and i heard about it everyday, all summer long.
(i know my mom reads this and i don't know if the shock will kill her, i hope it doesn't) so i finally gave in. his eyes were roaming, and i knew it. and for some bizarre reason, i thought i had to keep him. and the way i thought i could keep him was to give in.
it wasn't.
(i hope if any of my kids read this they learn from my mistake).
'j' and i broke up after i went back to college. soph. year he would call occaisionally (drunk) at 3 am. it wasn't fun.
that summer, i went to the lake for a few days, and i think 'j' came up for a day. we were sitting on the porch watching the sunset. he told me i was a strong person, he knew that. (i didn't think i was, retrospection made me realize how much stronger i could have been). and he said he was sorry. for everything.
he'd pushed. and he knew it was wrong.
(in the meantime i had found out he was a busy guy with three of the girls we had worked with, one of whom had claimed to be a good friend of mine.... anger, then realization had ensued upon me, and i finally came to the conclusion that i had really messed up. and no one deserved the blame but me.... so i accepted his actions and my own and learned... but he didn't know i knew about the other three girls....)
i told him what i knew, that i had known, deep inside, all along.
he was really surprised, but apoligized for that too. he knew how much of a jerk he'd been and how much i'd been hurt.
my point in all this isn't to bore anyone with details that are now, 8 years later, almost irrelevant. they are part of me in that it shaped some later decisions, and made me more aware of myself, my desires in relationships, and my plans for how far i would let go of myself before walking away.
my point IS to say, that walking away is hard. it sucks. it hurts. it aches.
deep inside, you think you're going to die away from the person who has made you into something you don't recognize.
walking away is not an easy thing to do. and sometimes, it breaks something in you.
but walking away is salvation sometimes.
sometimes you just need to hear it from the one person you didn't think it would come from.
steven, i love you.