(no longer a nanny)Kate

the hardest thing in this world ...is to live in it. be brave. live. for me.

a quote i have stolen off of pip's page. ...wow.
... i wish i knew him more in some ways so i could know more of how to be of help to him.

i think i wish that sometimes of people i know through others. my desire to help them... my wish to 'save the world'.

i used to watch rosie o'donnell on TV, and i used to like her a lot. then i got annoyed with her overbearing-ness and her... generally irritating something-ness. so i stopped watching and stopped really paying attention to her. however, a week or so ago i read her book, find me. i think she wrote a book about her life itself and coming out and yada yada. but this one wasn't about that. this was about a girl who called the hotline of the adoption agency rosie funds. a girl who had been 'raped by a youth minister, was 14 years old, and...' yeah. wow. i was a little shocked when i read that part.
so i read the book.
wow. eye opener.
i don't think it's fair when people give away the endings to books, movies, etc. and i try not to do that, but it's unlikely any of you will read the book. so here it is. the 'girl' was a woman in her 30's who has MPD (multiple personality disorder). she 'morphs' into the 14 year old girl, her parents, her nurses, etc. there was no baby, there was no youth minister....

this has nothing to do with pip.
nothing. pip is dealing with some stuff that i can't imagine. divorce is a struggle when it's amicable. i can't imagine having your family thousands of miles away while reeling from the pain. i admire him for the strength he has shown in the short time i've known him and in the small ways i know him.

no, i'm saying this because i understand why rosie kept calling the 'girl'. why she tried to help her. why when her friends and family told her she had to let it go, she didn't and couldn't.

like rosie, i want to be able to save the world.
but i can't do that.
i'm not really a supergirl.
i'm just a girl.
and i can only save myself.
just like everyone else, at the end of the day, can really only save themselves.
and so on that note, i am releasing a burden i have born for years.

several in fact.

i couldn't have saved gary from his pain or the gun that took him from me.
i couldn't have rescued my aunt from cancer and the doctors did what they could.
i couldn't stop my grandma's heart attack and i can't go back to the night we left her at the hospital.
i couldn't cry enough tears to save anyone i've lost.
and i couldn't protect someone from the pain they have endured.
i can live my life as i need to. and listen to those struggling. but i can't do more.
i can't rescue everyone. i couldn't if i tried. it's not possible.
i'm only me.
so pip, i'm listening when you need....
pookie, i love you all the time.
steven, i pray every day.
dad, mom, brent, trish; i am thankful for how you have helped me save myself.
b. each day, every way... this will be ok, 'we' will be ok. i'm being patient. i promise.
mike, collin, ryan; we ache together, miss her always, but we had her.
gary's mom, he loved us so much.
and to that one i keep trying to rescue and save and help, i am going to let go, let you do what you need to do.
i'm here. but i can't do more.

i'm sorry. i wish i could. but i can't rescue anyone but myself.