(no longer a nanny)Kate

a snowball

i just got an email from my stepdad... i am so thankful for him.

sometimes (it's) like a big snow ball. it starts to roll down hill. and you don't want it to. so you get in front of it and try to stop it, and you slip and slide and use up a lot of energy, but then realize it's so big and you step aside and let it roll where it may. hoping it doesn't destruct too much. it's that time.

i think a lot of people can use this in a lot of situations... i know myself... i need to step aside. it is that time. i've been wondering about this situation my entire family is watching unfold. i am sure they've watched me hang on to destructive things in the past, people (like j. from an entry way back), things, relationships... and just been able to watch. not do anything for me. and i have seen friends do the same things i've done. hang onto things long after it is good. long after it's gone bad. long after it's gone so bad that hanging onto it is beyond destructive. it's simply atomic. the blast affecting everyone nearby. why do we hang onto these things (people, relationships, jobs, etc) when they are hurting us? what's the point exactly...
i think for me, at the beginning, it's simple refusal to recognize it's bad for me. after i finally do realize that, it's defiance, i won't give in to my family/friends because they were right. i don't want to admit i was wrong. i actually can say that now, i really don't like admitting i'm wrong about things. i hate it. but then once it gets past that, those layers peeled away, the idiocy i show to everyone... after that's gone, it comes down to my savior desire. wanting to save people from whatever it is that isn't good. be it their attitude, their behavior, their ... whatever. i want to save them and i somehow thing that holding on to a job where i am clearly fed up, or a relationship that is past it's prime, or a person who doesn't want to be held... i somehow think i will save them.

and as i've said before, i can't do that. i can't save anyone but me. and to save myself... sometimes i have to walk away. and sometimes it's devistating to walk away... but you have to do it because otherwise, you'll drown too.

pip, i know the hurts you feel. take care of YOURSELF. you need to do that first.
chris, i love you to pieces, i'm glad you're walking away from 'that'. you're stronger than i am.
b., do what you have to do. we'll all still be here.
steven, we love you. we all hope this (all of it) is truly what you desire with everything you are. we only want the best for you.