(no longer a nanny)Kate

so much on my mind.

between searching for a new home, being in class, trying to do physics *i mean hello, what does this have to do with PT?*, working, and the impending birthday... i am exhausted and worn out.

my brain is on overdrive and has been for weeks. mostly with the quitting of one job and searching for another and the moving out of one apartment into another i had yet to find. because of this, i haven't been sleeping well. i've had a lot of weird dreams, a lot of nights where i wake up for no apparent reason at 2 or 3 am, and then struggle with getting back to sleep. a lot of mornings where i wake up feeling like i haven't slept and achy everywhere and the bed is a disaster area- everythings untucked and a thrown around. clearly, i am spending a lot of time tossing and thrashing around. i'd like to blame my bed, or my bedtime, or my eating habits-anything that i actually can alter and thereby *fix* the problem.

no go.

its just my mind, fighting through things that i don't fully know. because now i have found a new home, one that is nice, clean, safe, and with a good landlady. it is settled, deposit and first month paid for already. so you'd think my mind would settle a bit. nope. it's weird because my sweet peej has just posted about how he is longing for the fire of change to burn ... i am longing for an end to it. this changing while i've enjoyed it... it's worn out its welcome. so vergeness needs to come to an end. i need a bit of settle-ness in my life.

and i think also, with the looming day 6 days away, i feel the need to break out. do something i've never done, accomplish something this week i never thought i'd do. i was talking to b yesterday, and saying about how by the time he's 30, his house *which he's already bought* will be pretty much paid for, the truck too and his business will have been going for about 7 years by then. tangible achievements. ones i'm impressed and proud of him for having done. but i think that for me, those and other things, tangible visible achievements... i don't see it.

he countered that i have affected more teens in my life before 30 than he will ever even know. but teenagers, my kiddies, much as i love you, aren't so much tangible. ....

except then i think, have i actually accomplished something with them? have i saved their lives as i hoped i would? have i altered their opinions, given them something to hang onto, think about, mull over and grow into someone more open, broadminded, willing...?

i guess i have. as i look around my office that i am leaving, i see the reminders of this life i've lived. pictures, notes, sculpy creations, critters, drawings on my whiteboard. ...it is more tangible than i believed.

just to see you smile
a while ago on my 101 in 1001 list i wrote i wanted to publicly thank people for kindnesses done to me, for me, however you want to word it.

for an example, i listed the cwob, an ex that i am still friends with all these years later who i adore in many ways, and also am thankful for the relationship we had. you can read about him here.

anyway, over the last 8 years of my life, b. has been a constant. we dated too, so he is an ex. but he's more than that to me. b. has been my best friend through so much in my life, that he really will always be a special someone in my life.

over the last couple of months, i've been really struggling. and he's been there. he's talked to me, let me stay at his house, comforted me, listened to me, and been a part of my life that without, i don't know what i'd do. every person has that one person who they can go to and feel completely safe. they can let down their guard, hand over their life, and know it will be cared for as well if not better than one would treat it themself. for me, that person is b.

in all my life, i have never had another person be as tolerant, kind, generous, loving, thoughtful, and respectful as b. nor has anyone else looked at me the way he has. at least not so that i knew it. a long time ago, just after we had dated and i was in one of my tailspins-unsure as to what i was doing, where i was going, or who i was anymore, he and i were struggling to figure 'us' out. we weren't dating anymore, but he still loved me, and i was introduced to this song.


just to see you smile
i'd do anything that you wanted me to
when all is said and done
i'd never count the cost
it's worth all that's lost
just to see you smile

when you said time was all you really needed
i walked away and let you have your space
'cause leavin' didn't hurt me near as badly
as the tears i saw rollin' down your face

and yesterday i knew just what you wanted
when you came walkin' up to me with him
so i told you that i was happy for you
and given the chance, i'd lie again

every single time i hear that song, and of course i own the cd for that song only, i think of b. and i think of how lucky i am that he is still my friend, he still loves me that much, he's still willing to be there through whatever hellish mess i've made. he will never know exactly how much he means because there simply aren't words to say it. but i think that even without knowing it, he feels it-because his heart is there with me wherever i go, whatever i do. and i know mine goes with him. i love you b.

...between a love wounded and a hope for healing. ~guenevere, the queen of summer country

i think that is where b. and i are now.

despite all that has happened, and there was so very much that happened and changed me and hurt me... but i know there has been so much that did the same to him. ...i think we're at the point now where we realize and know so much about the very core of who 'we' are. time apart, though it hasnt' changed the way i feel, has changed what i know. and we're in that place. love has been wounded, we've been wounded. and i know we're both at a point where we are desperate for real healing between us. ...


and i told him. the regret from ages and ages back, ....
'so much is resting on something that 1) i wish i'd never shared, and 2) i no longer believe. and if only i hadn't believed it from the beginning... ...the one regret in my life ...~believing someone not worthy of my trust, and telling b. what i believed.'

(see sept. 2003 archives) ... i've done things in my life i wish i hadn't. many things. but only one regret. and it will never be made right. i can apoligize until i die. he can forgive me a million times over. but it will never ever change the fact that it was said, it was thought, it will always be there.

everything changes in a heartbeat.




i am so very sorry.

it is amazing how much your heart can hurt. how much pain you can live with... someone once told me that you're in real trouble when your pain is greater than your ability to cope.

i think i'm in touch with that.

i'm not doing anything stupid. i just understand how deeply someone can hurt and know that nothing will take that pain away. ...the frustration and hurt i am dealing with is more tremendous than any i could have imagined. i never knew how bad a broken heart could feel. i had no idea it could get this bad. i've felt it before, breakups have happened. i've done stupid things and gotten myself hurt in the process... but this is so much more, so much of a deeper hurt, so much... so much.

the tears keep flowing and indignancies are appearing because of my coping to simply not take on any more pain... in the process, i think i'm hurting my mom... ...i don't know ....

and part, i've done to myself. part i introduced and have realised some things i never thought of... so much though, is resting on something that 1) i wish i'd never shared, and 2) i no longer believe. and if only i hadn't believed it from the beginning... if only i'd said, it's not possible and walked away and never shared it, things would be so different. ...maybe there is a way to make it all better.... but it certainly doesn't look like it.

the one regret in my life, the only one i have left as i've made peace with any others (either previously mentioned on this site or otherwise)... the lone regret of my life ~ believing someone not worthy of my trust, and telling b. what i believed. ...(i guess that is actually 2 regrets, but they are so intertwined it is sometimes hard to tell where one ends and the other begins). telling b. what i knew ...if i could take back anything i would. ....because i don't think i would hurt quite like this.

Father, you baby needs you so much... how deeply and desperately things need to change, how afraid she is of that change. please give me strength to know where to go from here.
....for b. too.

lies.... lies lies lies....

so i had posted this insanely horrid blog the night before last... all because i chose to believe someone instead of my best friend, b.

now here's the thing, i didn't want to believe it. it tore my apart. i was so scared, so hurt, so ...distraught at the idea of what i'd been told, and partially, that's why i believed it. ...does that make sense? no. my irrational being took over and i flew from jealousy to rage. i realize my current situation did nothing to help the emotional state i ended up in... but i hadn't realized what that one idea, that one thought could really do to me.

i am so sorry b.

and sorry to my pookie and pipson for freaking them out. sorry guys. but... pookie knows.

anyway, this now leads me to a new thought, do i trust this other individual in other things that have been said? can i? when it came to it the other night, i blindly accepted their word as truth. i have accepted this person's word in other areas as well.... in areas that have severely affected my emotions and opinion of another indivual.... this 2nd person never had a chance because of what the first person said.... i don't think i'm quick to judge. but the question has always been, why would they lie about this? then again, why would they have told the tale they told the other night? what good could have come from that? ....the real question, what's in it for them to have created the situation that they did????

my answer is that i don't know. because now... for me to question the validity of the aforemention 2nd individual.... certainly doesn't help the 1st person....

confusing, yes. when has my life been easy???

as my dad's girlfriend said, when is this kid going to get a break???

i don't know that answer at all.... oi.

feels like home...

everyone needs that place, that something, or maybe it's a someone, that feels like home.

i have a number of places*, things^, and people` i can say are home to me.

*NY, hawleyton house, my grandparents house, casa de spencer, the lake, camp wright (kent island itself), conklin pres., st james, rwc, believe it or not - a grave site...

^my bed (which is packed away in storage and i miss a lot), chai, certain books, my Bible, pictures ~ so many pictures, even my keys... wierd i know.

`my parents - all of them, my grandparents, spencers, pookie, the fullers, my kids, camp people, 'the boyz', friends from bing., ... and b.

i wrote last september about missing him, missing what had been, and some of the thoughts and feelings i was having... and then around christmas, because i believed it to be so totally over with, so much had i felt pushed away... that i kind of gave it up. and grew from that, felt better about it, and had moved on. but then i go home, and it all just seems like it's still there. more subtly this time. more quietly. but hasn't changed and now i am moving further away, and not just from the above homes of places and things and the people, but of the comfort of home that he and i have had in each other for so long. ....

it is so good....

to be home. and i need to say, out loud, that b. is the best friend i could ask for so often... i'm lucky to have him in my life. no one else understands (at least outside of my family and pookie) my need to watch my girls dance, and stay at a competition until midnight on a sunday night. thanks. because i did need to, and you knew that. and it's all good. :)

and my girls, my family, my church family here, i am so lucky in them. and their understanding of me... it's awesome. i'm really blessed. yay :)