(no longer a nanny)Kate

so much on my mind.

between searching for a new home, being in class, trying to do physics *i mean hello, what does this have to do with PT?*, working, and the impending birthday... i am exhausted and worn out.

my brain is on overdrive and has been for weeks. mostly with the quitting of one job and searching for another and the moving out of one apartment into another i had yet to find. because of this, i haven't been sleeping well. i've had a lot of weird dreams, a lot of nights where i wake up for no apparent reason at 2 or 3 am, and then struggle with getting back to sleep. a lot of mornings where i wake up feeling like i haven't slept and achy everywhere and the bed is a disaster area- everythings untucked and a thrown around. clearly, i am spending a lot of time tossing and thrashing around. i'd like to blame my bed, or my bedtime, or my eating habits-anything that i actually can alter and thereby *fix* the problem.

no go.

its just my mind, fighting through things that i don't fully know. because now i have found a new home, one that is nice, clean, safe, and with a good landlady. it is settled, deposit and first month paid for already. so you'd think my mind would settle a bit. nope. it's weird because my sweet peej has just posted about how he is longing for the fire of change to burn ... i am longing for an end to it. this changing while i've enjoyed it... it's worn out its welcome. so vergeness needs to come to an end. i need a bit of settle-ness in my life.

and i think also, with the looming day 6 days away, i feel the need to break out. do something i've never done, accomplish something this week i never thought i'd do. i was talking to b yesterday, and saying about how by the time he's 30, his house *which he's already bought* will be pretty much paid for, the truck too and his business will have been going for about 7 years by then. tangible achievements. ones i'm impressed and proud of him for having done. but i think that for me, those and other things, tangible visible achievements... i don't see it.

he countered that i have affected more teens in my life before 30 than he will ever even know. but teenagers, my kiddies, much as i love you, aren't so much tangible. ....

except then i think, have i actually accomplished something with them? have i saved their lives as i hoped i would? have i altered their opinions, given them something to hang onto, think about, mull over and grow into someone more open, broadminded, willing...?

i guess i have. as i look around my office that i am leaving, i see the reminders of this life i've lived. pictures, notes, sculpy creations, critters, drawings on my whiteboard. ...it is more tangible than i believed.