(no longer a nanny)Kate

ex's

i've been sorting through papers, lots of them, and pictures, and just the stuff i've accumulated through time, particularly over the last few years. and today, i found a box. not unusual, except that i knew upon seeing it, that it was a box filled with stuff from one person. emails, letters, cards, pictures, little presents, the little stuff i've kept from him. crazyworkoutboy (hereafter referred to as cwob)...(he may be insulted to be known as a cwob, but he can deal. we're still friends, i'm sure he's been called worse).... anyway, the cwob was the relationship i can look back on and say it was awesome. it was the hardest breakup i've had. and the one i'm most lucky has turned into a friendship and carried on for this long. (5 years)

cwob at one point in time wrote me an 'i remember' letter... and at the risk of exposing too much of us,

'the night we said i love you...in all my years of sports, never has my heart beat so hard and so fast. i've never had feelings like that before. it is indescribable...everyday i thank God for putting you in my life.'

i ask myself still how i could have been that lucky... i was though. and still am to know that guys like that exist. i've been in love with one once. and thankfully, still love him as my friend. i can be certain that the relationship he has been in since has been an amazing one, i know them both and am so happy for him. but i hope too, that she knows how lucky she is...

so why am i writing all this? once in a while, i have a point to the things i say, and sometimes it takes a more time for me to get there... hence, the point is, that i'm holding out for that again. i thought i had found someone more precious than cwob was to me, i thought i had found the person who's life would change, as mine did, upon our meeting. i thought that with some time, it would all be so perfect. .... ....

somehow, i'm seeing i was wrong. i ache too much for this to be the right one. (i feel like i'm a broken record... so i'll stop with that now).

i'm holding out for another cwob. one who loves me like he did. moreso too. one who remembers trips to starbucks so he could do schoolwork and that i never said a word of complaint. one who remembers my driving over a boulder and still laughs with me, accepting bizarre blame for it (even if he's pretending to accept the blame). one who knows he's first for me, and puts me first....

cwob, you know who you are, i'm so lucky to have you in my life. i thank God for you all the time. for you and miss m. my best wishes to you... thank you for our friendship, for all this time... for the effort you've put into this too. we are lucky. miss you.