(no longer a nanny)Kate

it is amazing how much your heart can hurt. how much pain you can live with... someone once told me that you're in real trouble when your pain is greater than your ability to cope.

i think i'm in touch with that.

i'm not doing anything stupid. i just understand how deeply someone can hurt and know that nothing will take that pain away. ...the frustration and hurt i am dealing with is more tremendous than any i could have imagined. i never knew how bad a broken heart could feel. i had no idea it could get this bad. i've felt it before, breakups have happened. i've done stupid things and gotten myself hurt in the process... but this is so much more, so much of a deeper hurt, so much... so much.

the tears keep flowing and indignancies are appearing because of my coping to simply not take on any more pain... in the process, i think i'm hurting my mom... ...i don't know ....

and part, i've done to myself. part i introduced and have realised some things i never thought of... so much though, is resting on something that 1) i wish i'd never shared, and 2) i no longer believe. and if only i hadn't believed it from the beginning... if only i'd said, it's not possible and walked away and never shared it, things would be so different. ...maybe there is a way to make it all better.... but it certainly doesn't look like it.

the one regret in my life, the only one i have left as i've made peace with any others (either previously mentioned on this site or otherwise)... the lone regret of my life ~ believing someone not worthy of my trust, and telling b. what i believed. ...(i guess that is actually 2 regrets, but they are so intertwined it is sometimes hard to tell where one ends and the other begins). telling b. what i knew ...if i could take back anything i would. ....because i don't think i would hurt quite like this.

Father, you baby needs you so much... how deeply and desperately things need to change, how afraid she is of that change. please give me strength to know where to go from here.
....for b. too.