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4 years...

as i posted a couple of weeks ago, this is my nostalgic time of the year... for a lot of reasons. the end of summer, the beginning of the school year, my birthday (which always brings about reflection and change for me), and it's also a time when i lost two people, dear to my heart. different years and at different times in my life, but both significant.

gary, 10 years ago august 25th. my life has never been the same.

and my aunt susan, 4 years ago today. do you lose a hero like her? i suppose in many ways you don't. she has lived on in me and my family in many ways. but i miss her laugh, her sneeze, her smile, and the fact that i was her 'daughter', never having been lucky enough to have a girl, but having been crazy lucky in having 2 boys who are awesome. ...she was so much to so many people. friend, mother, lover, wife, aunt, best friend, cousin, daughter, sister. ....i've learned a lot from her. i am most of those, and i like to think i got some of it from her. ...

i remember during her funeral service, my uncle giving a eulogy, telling about how she was persistant and knew they belonged together. ... at the time, i never believed i would find that. that i would know something in the core of me like that and maintain the quiet persistance that she had. ...i know differently now. :) but i also remember him singing to her after the last people had left the viewing. i remember his voice cracking and the pain so evident in him. i remember his hugs then, so fierce and tight. almost afraid to let any of us go. i remember the eyes that since then have seemed to be seeing something else, as he has been somewhere else many times since. ...and how much it has ached me to see him without her. .....and i wish i had words of comfort in a time like this, at a time like then. a time when no words can heal, silence alone will heal.

and 4 years later her memory is with each of us, her artwork hangs on our walls, her pictures grace our frames, her laughter hangs in our hearts, her love holds onto us still.

to love like that. to be in love like that. to affect the way she did. be someone she would be proud of... as it is with my grandmother and gary, for her as well, i live to be someone they would love. someone they would be proud to call theirs. just as much as i am proud to have called them mine. thankful for their love in my life, for their affect on my days, for the very being they were and the soul they are.

but how much i miss her...


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