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so much can change in an instant...

i keep going back to 2 years ago, longer really. and wishing i hadn't said what i did, wishing i had taken a moment and breathed in and out before i took someone's word as gospel and destroyed the most precious thing in my life. (i could sound like gollum, but i'll try not to.....) :) i just wish i hadn't done what i did. and i don't know how to repair it.

do i tell the whole truth now and risk it all by telling it? it could destroy the last ounce of hope. and then again, it could repair everything and things could be the way i believe they ought to be.... or do i tell part of it and hope for the best? honesty is the best policy, and i believe in that. ...i believe in a lot of things. love above all, honesty, and communicating both of those. but this mess is just that, a mess and i don't know how to clean this one up. ....

what i know for certain is that God is being a bit too silent on this. i have no guide in this. (and not only am i not getting heavenly help, but as this situation is so messed up and so bizarre, there's no precident for it and so it's not like there's any earthly help either.... oi.) beyond that, my certainties are few... i love him with all i am. and that is truly all i do know.


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