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Starting Over

There was a show on TV a while back by the same name, you can see the final episode here (albeit with foreign subtitles and its a little fuzzy at times, but its there). I wish it was still on because Iyanla, Rhonda, and Dr Stan were amazing. I was able to learn from them and see things in a way that (I think) has rendered me less judgemental and able to put myself in anothers' shoes and see the world as they are.

Not completely, mind you, but somewhat.

I wish it was at least on DVD because many of the exercises that the women in the house did are things I would like to do myself. Forcing myself to look at myself honestly and learning and growing. Not that I'm not trying to do that, but I think they would have helped.

Needless to say I have one of Rhonda's books and also Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. These along with my current read- Three Cups of Tea and a previously read but one of those I should revisit- I Will Not Die an Unlived Life are going to, I hope, guide me through this burning desire I have to change, become strong, and live up to what it is that people seem to see in me. Whatever it is that I am unable to see in myself.

I have had many conversations with my stepdad over the years, and several have been about how my mom seems to be always looking for something, something that cannot be found outside of herself. I think I have the same searching within me, and have at least realized a few things.

1) Whatever it is I am seeking cannot be found by anyone else
2) This same thing, it cannot be found IN anyone else
3) This thing, its in me, I have to find it for myself, by myself
4) I am terrified of this little inward journey I'm about to take myself on
5) I know its there, and its either now, or later that I do it. ....And if I wait, I may make wrong decisions, I may choose things that are not best for me, because I do not know what it is I am truly seeking. So until then....
6) I will continue to work, I will continue to be with my friends and be present, hang out with my family, and work on my 101 list, but I will be on this journey. And as such, I am certain my 'updates' here will pretty much only reflect that.

So thats where I am at. Thoughts gladly accepted, as are book ideas or anything else you think might help me. :) Taking all help I can get...


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