(no longer a nanny)Kate

sometimes our inspirtations come from all over...

lately i've been reading-several books at once because that is what i do :) including 'i will not die an unlived life' (for the second time) by dawna markova. really just a good book that is helping me refocus and figure out what i'm doing with my life, since i don't really know anymore. :S (rueful smile)

have also picked up and begun again 'simple abundance-a daybook of comfort and joy' by sarah ban breathnach. just daily to kind of... well remind myself of simple things. which is helping in the decluttering, sorting, and packing of my moving.

i've also just gotten 'the love they lost-living with the legacy of our parents divorce' by stephanie staal. i read about it in an article (in of all places glamour, because you know i am SO glamorous that i read that all the time..) and i was intrigued with the title as well as some of the quotes from the book that the author of the article used. so i'll be starting that. because i think that my parents divorce, however amicable has really messed me up. in ways i wish it hadn't, but it did. (all those commitment issues people have, yeah that'd be me. all those people who don't want kids because they're afraid of messing them up, me too. people who let others in only to squash those others, me as well. and the list goes on...)

i've got other books on my list- 'the perks of being a wallflower' by stephen chbosky (recommended by leah) and two books by rhonda britten (who if you have been a longtime reader may remember was on my favorite show 'starting over' which is no longer on and is very sad to me that its not...) her 'change your life in 30 days' (which i'm not sure it'll only take 30 days, but then why not only one??) & 'fearless living'

as well i've been journaling and trying to just focus on what i can do and what i am doing well. and enjoy that for what it is. and amidst my ...searches for peaceful, simple joys and myself in all this, i read blogs. as you probably are aware. and dooce's makes me smile and laugh on a pretty daily basis. she posted this one yesterday. which cracked me up quite a bit. i mean... well so often her 'quotes' of leta's are in caps. whether she's actually yelling/screaming or not, its often capitalized because, as she says at the end of this post
"I know that sometimes my writing is overrun by capital letters, and yeah, I’m sorry about that, but Leta’s life? It is lived entirely with the caps lock on."
and it made me realize how much i've lived my life without any caps in it. as i'm sure you're aware, i don't capitalize much. (that quote notwithstanding, what else is capitalized in this entire post??) this is how i write all the time as well. except for hospital notes which must be written differently, with proper capitalization and appropriate abbreviations based on said hospital. otherwise, the only thing in my life that i write out and capitalize is God.

because out of respect for who He is and what He is to me, He's the only part of my life that is in caps. and perhaps, not out of disrespect for Him, but out of necessity, other parts should be capitalized. other parts of me should be capitalized. for a long time it was that i felt no other deserved that same respect. and thats true. but then again...

i found in this little book i have which carries my library card and generally lives in my car and folded piece of paper, from where it came i don't really know. but one side had some scribbled notes of mine, the other was a copied page from a book. which i will be searching for... but the part i copied, or maybe i didn't someone else did and i just used this copied page because i needed something to write that scribbled note on- had sometime interesting. i don't know who's writing it was, it seems like something i may have read at some point though my memory is ridiculously non-functioning sometimes. but it was about someone who had been appointed to make decisions for her friend ben who was ill. and her realization that in the midst of that mess of trying to reach a doctor who would help him die she saw God's presence. how He was there, and it was all Him. how God was there in ben's illness, in suicide, in pain, in fear and all that she was going through at that moment in time.

now i don't know if i feel exactly that way. but i'm not sure i disagree either. God is present. at all times in all places... i believe He is there in my struggles and in my strengths. He is present. it is who He is. so how is the pain of what i, or anyone else, has felt done alone? its not. He's in it. He is in the pain, He is in the triumphs too. He is there to share our joys but He is all the more present at those times we feel most alone. ...which its kind of odd that i appear to be realizing this just now when i wrote that letter to myeslf a few weeks ago... i have long believed God was there when gary died. so why do i think my life less worth His presence?? i don't know. but i have believed it. that i was less somehow.

so this started as a post about how i need to include caps in my life. and obviously i mean more than just in my writing, but my writing tends to show me. and ...yeah. how i need to live out loud sometimes. and i need to alter my thoughts... and its turned into a bit of an epiphany for myself. changing who you are, altering your life is not an easy task. and i know i'm going to struggle and fuss about it all... because i do that. but i need to add some caps to my life. maybe not live all my life in caps, but at least get a few more in there. and being able to give more, do more, be more is going to be worth it.

and perhaps the biggest outward change will be that i'm going to start running. because i want to do this. and because of this woman and her song.



and because of my mom (who drives me nutty but who without, i wouldn't be here- in the literal and also figurative way). and because my own experience, thus far, has been cancer free, it is unlikely it will always be that way. my chances shot up when my mom was diagnosed...and though she is now cancer free...i'd rather do what i can now while i'm healthy and make that change for others. anyone up for it?