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any guy

any man who comes into my life, at least in the past, has had a lot of crap to deal with. i am very emotional, very demanding, and moody in a big way. i expect a guy to know if i'm being serious and not joke with me because its not the time. i expect him to understand my outbursts and accept them calmly and rationaly. despite how incredibly irrational i am probably being.

i am picky, fussy, bitchy- you name it. i want perfection but also want to be accepted as i am, a work in progress. a guy needs to be gentle and funny, sweet and kind, honest but be careful how honest because my feelings hurt easily and then i get defensive and then he's really got a mess because i'm insulted and pissed. i push guys away and all i want is to be with someone. i find little things to get upset about and harp on them. i nag. i am outright difficult. woe to the man who tries to be with me and can actually tolerate me for more than a few weeks.

sadly, i know all this.

whats worse, i'm not sure how to change it. at least i'm more aware of it now. i've been realising it lately with the latest ...well i should probably call him a victim. i've tried really hard to not. but then, i wasn't really ready to enter into anything after the, 'sean fiasco'. (which while i'm lamenting my poor behavior in relationships, that one was one where i was ACTUALLY on good behavior and really don't think i took out the hellish events i was dealing with on him. so he doesn't really qualify for my sympathies in regard to my typically poor behavior. his behavior on the other hand was appalling. moving on...)

i'm working on it. really i am. this would explain however why i am not married or settled down. i realise also that some of it is simply my desire to never go through a divorce again. once was enough. for anyone. actually its probably too much for anyone. i don't want to face it again. i don't want to experience it again. and because i take after both of my parents, i see how i behave like them and see how things could end. poorly. because i play victim like my mom, and at the same time blame myself for everything like my dad. (reading it, this is major turmoil inside one person let me tell you. this explains the need for anti-anxiety meds. sheesh.)

i've always tried to be really honest about things and always make an honest effort at a relationship. and yet, i am still me and end up causing all sorts of issues. so really, i owe big apologies to a few guys in my life- b., rick, ben, kevin. probably more than that. but those few have put up with probably more than most.

i want more for me. i want more for my life. i want to be able to accept people more easily and accept their quirks and allow them in and not attack stupid little things on a regular basis. i think by putting this out in the universe, which i totally believe in telling the universe what we need and that the universe will respond... that perhaps i will better be able to keep myself in check. i want to be better than the person i've been. to recognize how i behave and change it. i hope that i'm able to.


Your not a difficult person ;) to be with.... You are just a handful...

11:26 AM  

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