(no longer a nanny)Kate

who are you?

i've had that line in my head for days. if you've seen the breakfast club, you know the character of brian asks himself that before he comes out with 'i am the walrus'. but regardless, i feel like i no longer am very sure of myself.

i'm enjoying school, i'm actually enjoying work in BOTH places which is a big deal. i like the people i work with, my kids are rockin lately (they seem to have finally become one group that is really working together, which is awesome).

but i feel like over the last few years, i've lost myself. i'm not sure when or what it was that made me feel that way, but i no longer feel like i'm really in touch with myself. i've been reading 'pack of two- the intricate bond between people and dogs' by caroline knapp. in it she says...

'...forget about what you think you're supposed to do, forget about what others expect you to do; what feels right to you? that's the hardest question, because ... it means separating out so many opposing voices, trying to pay heed to the one that lies hidden in the center.'

and really, i am questioning what that voice is saying. it's really hard to hear with so much else going on in my life and my ... let's be honest, fear about being alone and quiet in the silence. i have a hard time with it lately. if it's quiet, and i'm being quiet, to me it equals naptime. and i love naps. but sometimes i know i need to sit in the silence (or walk in it maybe) and stop worrying about the silence.

i'm just so afraid of what i will hear in the silence. what i might learn about me, that i fear it more. ...

and i keep trying to remind myself of the passage i quoted earlier from the alchemist.

tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the fear itself.

what am i really afraid of? why can't i be in the quiet and allow myself to listen to that voice hidden at the center? what is it that it might say that i don't want to hear?

... and i think my only answer is that it might tell me everything i've believed and known and wanted in my life and about life and love and family and friends has been wrong. and i know that isn't true. ... so what the hell is wrong with me?