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wednesday, may 25, 2005

dear grandma,

last night rick's gram died. she's a cool lady with lots of stories to tell. she met her husband the same way rick and i met, blind date. :) which is just a neat coincidence. her mom was a nanny to the rockefellers and some other famous people. and gram was a graduate of barnard college. which in 1941, there weren't many female graduates from most colleges, let alone in nyc. she was living in this town all this time i've been dating rick, and i kept thinking there'd be more time to go and visit with her and spend time with her. she was always happy to see me and made me feel special. i wish i'd done more.

it made me especially sad because it was 5 years ago that you died.

and i never talk about it. i don't talk about how great you were or how you were always there. i don't talk about the times you would come to get me from school if i was sick. or how when i was little i'd come home for lunch during the day, walk home from school to have lunch with you, and then walk back to school. not many kids got to do that. in fact i was the only one at my school. i don't talk about how i lived with you for a while and worried you because i was at meetings till late and you worried i wasn't eating enough. if you could see me now...

i never really tell stories about your life with me in it. i talk about how you met your sweetheart and you being a nurse, and an army captain. i talk about how you called mom 'julinki' and named her julie and not julia. i talk about your sister, my aunt julie, and the relationship you two had. but i rarely talk about the things we did together. which is odd because so much of my growing up was spent in your care while mom and dad worked. i never say how much i miss you. or how much it hurts that you're gone.

last night i could just cry. and kept crying. i missed you. i wish you could be here to meet rick. i wish you could've met his gram. i wish you knew all the things that have happened since you died. steven graduated, twice. mom had breast cancer. mom and brent got married. carly moved back to florida and sammy's graduated and going to culinary school. mark and ann bought a place at the lake. i lived in virginia and steven's on tour with a band. uncle john and carol moved across the country and we don't see them too much. grandma l. is still kicking, but not quite so high any more. president bush was re-elected. i know, the country's a mess. the world trade centers were attacked and we went to war. dean and dan are both there. i've become a worrier and i know i got it from you. the pope died this year and st. john's has fr. john now, the one who baptised me as a baby. i've worked all over the place and fallen in love. i'm planning on a life with him, and you aren't here to help me. and i miss you so much. i miss hearing stories. i miss knowing you were there. i miss watching basketball with you. i miss the crosswords with bunny doodles on them. i miss tea the way you make it. i miss your chair. i miss your voice. i miss the forget-me-nots all over the yard and your purple thumb that helped them grow. i miss raking leaves and cleaning the windows perched on a ladder 20 feet above the driveway so you wouldn't do it. i miss how you used to talk to me. how i could talk about anything with you and knew it was understood and however i felt was ok.

thank you for being here for so much of my life. i wish i hadn't taken so much of it for granted. i wish you were here now, just because i'm selfish and miss you. i wish i could tell you one more time i love you. i wish i'd told you that you were my hero. i bet you knew it anyway, but i would have liked to tell you how much you meant to me. thank you for being the woman that you were and giving me a life to look up to, i will always be honored to be your granddaughter.



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