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so originally i had all these deep thoughts this morning about how politicians can blabber on as much as they want and spend thousands and plead for office... but that's just it, they're pleading for office. they have to wait until WE decide who WE want in there. and how great it is that WE get to decide. i just want to say to all the politicians who say they won't put mudslinging ads on and then turn around and do so, punks, NYAH NYAH, we decide who goes into office. which by the way, you need to go vote if you haven't done so already. (GO KERRY!!) i'm not telling you who to vote for (KERRY!!!) or anything, i just think people need to vote (for KERRY!!)

but then i got an email today. from one of my many mom's. marti. she's working with me on a lot of diocesan stuff, and we're all a bit worn by the crap going on and how it appears as though youth ministry is falling apart and all. but as i was writing to her i realize that THAT is what i want to write about.

aside from rick and my family, the most important thing going on in my life, that i harbor some control over (which is probably the only thing in my life i actually have any control over) is this stuff. i'm frustrated. i'm irritated. i'm really unhappy with my bishop and my Church as a whole. and not the actual big "C' Church, but my diocese Church. they're a mess. they've made some decisions i completely disagree with and they are actually really messing things up for us.

but my attitude determines what will happen.

i realized it as i wrote.

It's time to get creative. Have fun. Make a noise. Make it joyful. I'm not saying that this isn't tough or I haven't been feeling defeated myself. But I'm feeling less that way when I read Margaret's email to me...

'without you i wouldn't have the hope for the diocese that i do... i don't ever want you to forget that i love you.......and there are people out there who want to support us and keep things alive. margaret'

(it's on my wall. thank you margaret.)

we are doing good, it's tough, but we are making a difference. that's all i can keep in mind. my kids are my life. they always have been. i have hundreds now. they now range in ages from 5-23. some i've known for only a year, others i've known for 10. i'd do anything for them, i know i'm only 28. but i have to believe at the end of the day that i have made a difference. ministry is tough and you don't have concrete accomplishments. but i've seen what i've done. and so far, i'm not doing so bad. the kids need us. they need us to be positive and to take this new challenge and make it work. they need us to be positive for them and build them up, and make their lives better. the best way for us to do that is to keep going. and keep believing in the ministries we have.

the thing is if i keep dwelling on how stupid things are or how ridiculous this all is and whatnot, i end up pulling everyone down with me. i end up making it worse. that's not what i'm here for. i'm here to make things better. i love these kids. just like i've loved all my kids. and still do. i mean it when i say i would do anything for them. people can attest to the fact that i have done anything for them.

during the last diocesan meeting i was about ready to hand over all my work and say, then find that person to do it your way.

but there won't be anyone. no one wants to deal with this mess. no one will step in and work with it and make it beautiful.

the mess is in my hands. and my attitude will determine whether it's beautiful or it's a still a mess. think of it as potters clay. it gets wet, it gets messy, it gets worse before it gets better. ... so what am i doing about it?

all of these things
held up in vain
no reason or rhyme
just the scars that remain
of all of these things
i'm so much afraid
scared out of my mind
by the demons i've made
sweet Jesus you never ever let me go
oh sweet Jesus you never ever let me go



take a guess.


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