(no longer a nanny)Kate

so about 2 ... no wait, almost 3 years ago i was introduced to pip. (who's website can be found here)it's funny how i find paralells in the things we write about. and although i hadn't written it, he had. and it said so much of what i'm feeling...

i think todays events were just what i needed to bring focus on something im realizing. maybe ive been realizing this since before i left rochester. actually, i knew this then. im just listening a little more now.

almost every job posting ive called on, ive been asked the same question...

"what are you looking for".

and of course, there is the pre-programmed response of

"im looking for a position that will allow me to grow as well as be challenged. being an asset to the company... blah blah blah..."

maybe its just me, but the question has such a deeper ring now.

what am i looking for...

its the question that is defining a lot for me right now.

so many of the people i know, people my age... have dreams. they know what they want to do, a lot of them even went to school so they could jump into their dreams... and by 23, or 24, they're starting LIFE! they're working the job they want, living where they want.. dating who they want and maybe even are getting married. they're living the dream.

and see, thats the thing... i dont dream. i havent actually "dreamed" in more than 3 years. i havent had a dream, a "goal"... for such a long time. life, got in the way of my dreams.

im beginning to wonder if i can dream it again... and beyond that... should i?

is there something else out there besides simply fighting for mere existence? is there something beyond living paycheck to paycheck.. or in reality, weekened to weekend? do i want a "job"? no, not really. not another "job". but, do i need the money? yes. so ill get a job. ill work my freakin tail off. ill be the best gosh darn ______ (insert title) they could get... but what do i want?

the feeling of not knowing what one wants... it's weird. i'm not used to it and yet i suppose i should be having felt this way for a while. it's funny how often pip writes something that rings so deep in me. i know he's now thousands of miles away and our lives, though similar, are also vastly different, starting with the obvious... male-female, siblings, geography, relationship with God. (he is so much more deeply in tune with God, even when i think he doesn't think so. ...i struggle daily in my jobs. i struggle daily with the people i love struggling on their own, with whatever it may be they're wrestling. life has become such a struggle... that thinking that way, you'd think i would have figured out what i want.

i think that in part, i had, i want to go back to school. and feel like i'm being told no in so many ways that i have to put it off indefinitely. which is actually stupid. but it's the feeling. and anyone who knows me knows i do things most often based on emotion. i think about things, deeply, but my emotions run my being. which is not always a good thing. but at the same time... i don't know. i'm digressing. the point i was trying to make was partly to myself, being that i need to really figure out what i want and stop working places just to make money when i'm not making enough and am frustrated by the jobs. and second, my point was to pip. that you aren't alone in this. i know there are probably hundreds more who are seeking their dreams too... but i understand how you're feeling. it's rough. and i know it seems like there is no light leading. but i suppose when all is said and done, that's the time we need to trust the most.

what am i looking for?

i lost my dream.

i couldnt tell you what i really truly want out of life if you held a loaded gun to my head and demanded it from me.

so... to answer the question...

what am i looking for?

my dreams.

you'll find them. i don't know when or how. but i know you are a fabulous person who has so much to give the world and does do so in a way that no one can forget you. muchas love.