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burning bridges

by definition, it appears i'm doing something not so good for myself in the long run. burning bridges can leave you alone at times when you need help. ...but the thing is, and maybe this is just me, but at times when i've felt the most in need of ...well, help, support, guidance, and care, my family has been the ones who have been there the most.

like back this summer. there were people who did 'listen' via emails and all to the saga of the camp mess, but the ones who were there, who made me go out and do things, who talked to me face to face, my parents, b., chris. (i consider b and chris a part of the family in a way having known them for so long). i was by myself without them. i wouldn't have lasted without their support and care.

and so the burning of bridges, which may or may not make sense at this point, ... i don't exactly feel justified. that's not the right word, but i'm not as overtly upset as i think maybe i should be. like i am getting the distinct feeling that my being hurt and being tired and giving up on pushing things, has led to an end, really a few ends. and i'm hurt by that, & i can bet others are too... but at the same time, i have been hurt repeatedly, and have no desire to be hurt any more.

am i wrong to not want to feel pain for a bit? it's not like i escape it anyway... this job situation is almost daily pain. being sick, daily pain. being separated from rick for weeks at a time, daily pain. working for my diocese and doing A LOT of work for nothing... well ok, that isn't pain. it's just annoying. i love it, but it would be helpful to be paid for some of it. (mainly because of all the traveling and my car's... issues). i just don't want to be hurt by anyone who can truly cut me so deep. i don't know. maybe this is an easy way out for me. maybe i'm tired of fighting so much so i am taking the pathetic road by not working harder to make things better. maybe i am the loser in this. but i'm tired. i really am. of trying and never succeeding in so many things, of working hard and never making my bills or myself feel like i've made a difference. just plain tired.

i keep telling rick a vacation would mean me sleeping for 3 straight days. i know he thinks i'm kidding. but i'm really that tired.


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