ndugu
have you seen about schmidt? the movie with jack nicholson? good movie. talked to me so much throughout, esp. at the end. jack plays a man named warren schmidt, who through a series of events, which are naturally occuring events, feels... pretty lonely, sad, lost, confused, and a bit afraid.
i'm right there with him. ndugu is a child he sponsors through an agency, much like world vision. for $22 a month that schmidt sends, ndugu is given health care, food, education, and love. schmidt writes him letters throughout the movie... and at one point is feeling as though he hasn't accomplished too much. he asks, 'when i die, and all the people who knew me have died, will it have mattered that i lived?' (my summarization)... to ndugu, he has mattered.
lately, i've been wondering if i have made any difference to people. certainly, like schmidt, i can say that once i have died, and the people who knew me would say i have made a difference to them, their lives. (i say this because i know who reads this page....) but when they are gone... when my friends and family have passed on, will i have affected this world and left it a better place by having lived? ....... ... right now, i really don't know.
those regrets that i wrote about ages ago, the regret of losing gary and wishing i'd called him, the entire reason i went into youth ministry... now i feel like maybe it wasn't the best thing to do with my life. my driving passion behind my 'work' is still there, but any confidence i had in myself is gone. and i am asking, has anything i've done affected this world? i don't know.
i thought i was making a difference, but i have no idea. and now, i don't know what to do, i am feeling a lot like schmidt. and at this moment, i haven't gotten my answer from my ndugu.
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