(no longer a nanny)Kate

turn my eyes from the worthless, and give me life... preserve me. ps.119:37

that was the psalm yesterday in the episcopal church. and before i get too carried away, there is a deep, deep comfort in knowing that thousands, and i mean thousands of episcopalians, all around this nation, heard those same words yesterday. how i love my church. mm mm mm.

i heard that and read that yesterday, and how deep it hit me. i have spent a lot of my life struggling, as this page no doubt attests to, and those words, were such a hope, such a comfort to me yesterday. ...they are written on my mirror now.
God turn me away from the worthless of this life. not the people who deem themselves worthless, or whom society deems as such. but away from the worthless things in this life. turn me away from vanity, worry, self doubt, self deprication, self destructive ways. and beyond myself, turn me away from the things which will only hurt me. the things in this life which do me no long term good. the things that distract me from You.
and preserve me. the child You made, the perfect child You created 25 years ago.
focus my eyes on that which they need to focus on, be what it may, and remove my thoughts from the regrets... (didn't i just write about this??) i guess i still regret. i try not to, but i am... and i'm trying hard to not. trying hard to let go those regrets i'm clinging to, for whatever reason.

one of my boys wrote to me today.
he just said thanks.
i think that helped. i don't expect reply for the things i have written. but i know i've caused hurts. and to my kids, of all people, i never ever wanted to. they were, are, my life... and maybe that wasn't the way it should have been, but i did. all i can say now, is God turn me to you. turn me away from the things which hurt me, those self depricating things that hurt me more each time i think of them. the regrets i keep clinging to... help me to turn away and let go. and stop being angry with myself for the hurts i have caused.
i now know at least that those words of God's, penned thousands of years ago, that reached thousands of ears yesterday, reached mine and made me sigh.
and breathe deep.
and let go...
just a little bit more.