(no longer a nanny)Kate

bittersweet days

we all have them. i'm having one today. i got up this morning and puttered around, watched trading spaces, generally hung around. (the fam's away this weekend, so it's all about sage (their jack russell terrior) and i). got the mail, fun movie from dad (monsters inc, which i've been wanting to see and still haven't) and twizzlers!!! yum! thanks dad!) and then checked email as well as a couple of web pages....
got an email from a leader i worked with at CPC, made tears come to my eyes as i miss her a lot and miss my kids there and my church family there too. she told me sunshine is wherever i am! aww. and then i got to read a couple of things that brought sad tears to my eyes. one is my friend val's grandma died. and i know she is comforted by the fact that she did get to see her, and everything. so i'm glad for her for that. but i know how hard it is... i feel her grief. i feel for her too.
the other was an email (followed up by a visit to his site) from pip. divorce is such a horrendous thing for anyone. and somehow, people are very focused on what it does to small children when it happens. i stand by my previous statements that it is harder when you are an adult. when you are a child, you live with it because it is there. and you grow up with it, and your coping mechanisms are different, and things that you grow up with aren't as destructive in some ways.
when you're an adult, you imagine being married, coming 'home' to mom and pop's (well, i've never called my dad pop...) and having holidays together. being a family, a whole, just like it was when you were little and went to see their parents, and so on. having that same family because you've made it through your growing up years and your family's intact....
and then
suddenly
it isn't.
what the hell?
honestly. there isn't any other wording i can think of. i apoligize for those who may be offended by that small word, i would be probably. but really, what the hell happened???
it is so overwhelming at times, it prevents your normal functioning. it sucks. it really does.
i remember being in high school when my friend jackie's parents were splitting up and being at our campus life leaders' house. and denise (whos' parents had split a year after she was married)saying to us, it is harder when you're older, you have more to lose. you don't think so, but you do.
she was so right. (not that it's surprising... she was about many things). you lose more without even realising it.
adult children of divorce have a difficulty that's hard to put into words, but we understand the loss... and there are many people who go through it and have survived it. and thank God for them. because some of us are floundering still. and reeling from a loss we can't comprehend. lucky for us, they know. and are there.... one book i read that helped me, was 'The Love They Lost: Living With the Legacy of Our Parents' Divorce' by Stephanie Staal.
just some thoughts. the whole divorce thing sucks. pip, you're in my prayers....