(no longer a nanny)Kate

The Other Shoe (part 2)

I have few memories from childhood, I just have a terrible memory, and so cannot clearly recall too many things from my growing up. I clearly remember certain days at Arnold Lake and things Carly and I did (my cousin who I was closest to as a child). I remember my twelfth birthday because I got my period for the first time. I remember my fifth grade teacher on my first day of school- it was a new school to me and he pronounced my last name correctly- Which is a big deal when your last name is so short and is so consistantly mispronounced by everyone under the sun. I have a very clear recollection of being about 12 years old and going somewhere with my mom, in our still pretty new Toyota Corolla, and before we were even at the end of our road, she said to me 'your father and I won't be married much longer'. Why she said this, I will never know. Confiding this information in your adolescent child does not seem to me to be a wise decision.

And I can say that that was likely the beginning of the waiting. Because the seperation and divorce did not happen for another 9 years.

So the waiting. The precarious life began. It was that moment that set me up to live in fear.

I am not trying to blame this on my mother- It is not because of her alone that I have unfounded fears that take over and reduce me to tears. It is just that this moment was the beginning. Knowing that my parents marriage would not survive time... There aren't words for that. As a child you believe your home is a safe haven, safe place. You can go there and things will always be the same and it will be the one thing in this world that will not forsake you to the rest of the dangers of the world. It is where you are most protected, loved, cherished, provided for... And I'm not sure that I ever fully had that once those words were said. Once the veil was lifted from my eyes, my home was different. It was still home, but it was not the place where I was safest. It was not the place where I could go and be protected from the scary world- emotionally. Physically I was always safe there. But emotionally, I could not relax.

I'm not sure I have ever completely relaxed since then.

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I was lucky that in high school, I became involved in the drama program and found people I could be myself with and find a home in the auditorium of my high school. I was also very blessed in the people at my church, most of all my youth leader Debra an my soon to be best friend Rueben. They sent me to Happening, and there, I breathed a little easier and found my other home at Thornfield.