(no longer a nanny)Kate

almost 2 years...



its been almost 2 years since rick and i broke up. and honestly, i think of him often and wonder how he's doing. because i worry.

its what i do.

i was catching up on kristy's posts, and was reading about her divorce today. and this one in made me realise how much i was simply unhappy- with everything. he was doing all he could, but it wasn't enough. and i was frustrated, but couldn't change how i felt. he is and was wonderful to me, listened, was endlessly patient and understanding, he cared. he was there. he was able to fix things and wanted to build a life with me. ME! of all people, he wanted me. but even now sometimes, i don't get why.

and this has occurred several times in my life. over the last few years (ok, the last year) i have started and damaged my way out of relationships that i didn't know what to do with. given there was a trust issue with one (j), but otherwise, it wasn't a lack of trusting them, believing they cared, nor lack of desire for them or the relationship.

its been me. its been me thats the mess. me that doesn't know what she's doing. me that is screwed up pretty severely and takes it out on the man who happens to be spending his time with her (which if any of them have ever read my blog would know it and would high-tail it out immeadiately).

adam has treated me like the most beautiful, amazing woman that ever walked the planet. which i'm clearly not. i.l. is kind, understanding, thoughtful, insightful, in ways that honestly scare me. sean sang to me. all the time. he was sweet loving and sincere. still is. i am friends with all three still and they haven't changed in the least. i however.. i feel like a different person. i wasn't ready for any of them. or j. who while he was great to me, incredibly patient and willing to deal with my crazy... i never felt fully comfortable with him. rick was the first and hung on with me for two years. and was perfect to me. did everything he could for me.. and still...at any rate, there hasn't been a guy in my life up til recently who honestly had a chance in hell with me.

because of my crazy. this insane need/desire/burning to be thought of as wonderful, sexy, fun, smart, desired, and needed and on and on. but mostly, its all about getting approval.

because somehow i've never been enough. my entire life-its never once been enough. i find brief moments of contentment. i find them and want to stay in them. because my life-its not so bad. i'm not currently ill, i don't have a lump in my left breast, i'm in school and working towards a better career than the retail chaos, but even that isn't so bad. i like wegs. i have friends and family, i have a best friend who is AMAZING, classmates who are fun and intelligent and who work together to help everyone succeed (no PTA left behind is our motto). i have a safe place to live, a car that works, people who will help me if i need it.

so what do i need approval of?


oh dear God everything. i need -most of all- my mom's approval. and while there are moments when she appears to approve of my choices and plans and what i'm currently up to, there are many more moments over the last 31 years when she has told me, out right to my face, that i have failed. that i am failing. that i will continue to fail.


i swear to God above she has done this.

'...you didn't know him that well. why are you so upset? he was just a guy you knew?' '...you won't ever find someone because you're so difficult and moody...' '...what is wrong with you?' 'did you ______ (insert here: pay that bill, get the tooth drilled, talk to that person, take care of xy& z, throw out those papers, think about ___, meet so-and-so, buy groceries, go to such-and-such, get rid of the youth event stuff that you don't have time for, fix ___, .... ya'll get the idea right?) 'i can't understand how you could think that THAT was a good idea'

i mean. really. seriously.

and somehow, lately, in all my thinking about myself and realizing nothing will ever be good enough for her, i've realized -i'm good enough for myself. at this moment. i may not be thrilled with everything at this exact moment in time, but i'm working on things, i always am. and i'm pretty content with life. so being good enough right now, for me, i'm maybe, finally, i hope in a place where i can relax and breathe a little easier. because the only approval i really need -is my own.



(all goes back to that text from jay- thank God for him at that moment in time. ....)