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sometimes i wonder. and sometimes i just plain fear.

people ask me a lot if i'll get married and have kids. they more asked me that when i've been in relationships, but i still get asked. usually its because they've seen me with their kids/someone else's kids and said 'you're so great with kids'.

i enjoy working with kids. and i love my kids. lots.

but having my own? yikes. for so many reasons.
dooce just posted this. while i don't actually know this woman, heather, i feel like i do. probably there are thousands of people who feel like they do, and that we know her daughter leta, and are all so happy to be a part of this child's life, even if we really aren't. but heather, like myself, has struggled with depression. i think her struggles are different than mine and she has actually gone so far as to check herself into a hospital. we have different things, the two of us, but i see myself, my future thoughts, in her post today. i see how it might be. i see my fears. my terror as to why i so often say to people when they ask that question, 'no' or 'i don't think so'.

because as i said, i love kids. i love MY kids. i love working with them and spending time with them and giving to them and seeing them grow and learn and know that if nothing else, i've given them someone who will be there for them whenever they need it.

but at the end of the day, i know that my own anxiety, my struggles, my depression will still be there. and having a child... having a little person to impose that on- scares me. i don't want to impose that on anyone, ever. i tried, very unsuccessfully, to mask it from rick. who is intelligent & wise, and also paitent and understanding. he knew where i was at, and loved me anyway. but he's an adult, capable of walking away from me if need be, capable of asking for others to help, capable of handling my chaos. a child, they just don't have those abilities. nor should they. and really, neither should have rick or anyone else i've tossed my mess on.

and this is why i always say i don't know or just i don't think so when it comes to kids. i love them, i think i may even want a child someday, but overall, i don't want to damage a child. and i fear, like heather, that my issues will taint that child in a very negative way.

nannying gave me insight into parenthood that i think most people can't get unless they become parents themselves. i have lots of kids, but those girls were my life, day in and day out for a year. i became 'mom' 12 hours a day. and i loved them so much, would do anything for them, and gave them both as much as i could. i did what i could with what i knew at that time. which is what i believe most parents do. they try. they do what they can, they make their best effort. and i think that heather is trying to do that. i believe she is doing all she can. and i think also that she is a good mom.

her fears and worries just ring true with me. having a little person, reliant upon me for everything, when i think i can't even handle my own stuff, is what makes me most afraid. so while i wonder what it would be like to be a mom, and think sometimes i would be really good at it, other times i just think 'how can i be thinking this?'


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