(no longer a nanny)Kate

moving.

probably i will be moving within the next few weeks. in fact, it's pretty certain. and i just wanted to take a moment to complain about it.

moving, for a pack rat such as myself, is an enormous and daunting task. you can ask the people who have helped me move the last couple of times. it requires far more patience and organization than i seem to have. and i'm pretty organized. i know my desk doesn't look it, but i am. my home however... i keep papers because i never know when they'll be needed. i have cards from my grandparents from when i was in college, freshman year- 1994. i have gifts made for me by campers from 1995. in fact, they're sitting right here beside the computer. i have all my cabbage patch kids. i have stuffed animals that i received as an infant (which those harbor deep sentimental value and will be kept, but still). i keep text messages from certain people because of the words they spoke. i am just a champion at keeping things. and while i understand that most people view this as simple over-emotional sentimentality, ... wait. i guess it is. but i still think that it is important for me to keep these things. to stay connected. the cards from freshman year are from people who are either no longer with me or i have little time left with. the campers- as all of my kids are- are precious to me still though i no longer know where the girls are. the cabbage patch kids recall simpler times of childhood.

but the reality that is currently, its hard to keep all this stuff. its also hard to wade through it and find what is most important to keep. tax documents from 1994 are not any longer needed. but i still have them. i don't know that i need to ask for help, because its hard to have someone else decide what's worth keeping. my mom used to blow through my room as a child/teenager and purge things. so how i still have anything from childhood is amazing. and while i understand the necessity in purging things, and having space to live and breathe in, i cannot be convinced that the removal of all of my previous life memories (in the form of notes and cards, gifts and critters) is necessary.

this leads me to my opinion on regrets. i harbor very few. i think about 3. in a life filled with wrong turns and some major disappointments and struggles, to say i only have 3 isn't many. i regret not calling gary august 24, 1993. i regret not spending more time with my grandmother on a weekly basis & leaving the hospital the night before she died. & i regret the mess i made of my relationship with ben. for the most part i've forgiven myself these last three, but i think a little regret reminds us of how NOT to behave. and i think i've learned from all i've been through. i am grateful for living in VA, for being fired from a job (i know how weird that sounds, trust me), for rick and what we had, for spending days and nights in syracuse with my aunt susan, taking her to chemo, and being there to the end. i will always be thankful to dr. coisman for persuading me to go to MD for camp, i was one of the luckiest girls to know gary the way i did, and love him all my life, i have learned from my parents divorce and am filled with love for my steps-brently and trish.

so moving, while the purging and packing is a major struggle for me and i hate doing it, it does bring back good memories too. and reminds me of who i am. and while i'm sure i'll find people who think i'm crazy, or too much of a sentimental fool, i'm pretty happy with me.



now, who's going to help me actually lug things out to a truck and into a new place??