(no longer a nanny)Kate

verge-ness

i've mentally begun about 20 posts in the last few weeks. as you can see, none of them have made it through my own edits to exist 'on paper' for you. if i could post a picture of me standing on a cliff, i think that would explain it best. not that i'm about to jump, but that i am a woman on the verge. i'm on the verge of moving, on the verge of beginning school again-this time in full time status as a pta student, on the verge of altering my life to fit into the new scheme of being in the health field. all of it... verge-ness is an interesting place to be. i have spent a lot of time lately clearing out the massive amounts of clutter i have accumulated in my office, my home, my car, my backpack. i've found notes from dance students, drawings from the kids at church, letters from my mom and rick, cards from susie, legos (obviously), & sticky notes that have lost all forms of relevancy for me. about 20 copies of our church shut-in list, curriculum ideas that never quite fit into my ideas, and of course, lots of papers that simply aren't necessary for me to keep anymore. the recycling and shredding i'll be doing is incredible.

i feel more aprehension being in this place. i worry i won't be able to cut it or that i will fail my kids in the process of it all. i have guilt-i am a champion in that area. i want to hide from the uncertain future. the unknown is not something i relish. its odd for me because i have picked up and done things before that i knew nothing about or that i was uncertain about. i moved to MD for several summers to work at a camp where to begin with, i knew no one, and now that place and those people-bearing names like bud and van-are some of the most precious people in my life and that camp will be a benefactor should i ever win it big. i abandoned my upstate NY life to move to VA for a year and be a nanny for a family i knew nothing about. this kind of behavior isn't new to me-beginning again in a new thing, i've done it before.

this time the verge-ness feels different. maybe because i am completely altering my life in every waywhereas before it was the location that changed and not much else. ..... i don't know what it is but i'm not entirely comfortable with the verge-ness this time.

i guess its just time for me get the fear and do what i need to do. if nothing else, i will get past the verge.