'when we don't have a voice, when you can't speak for yourself, stand for yourself, express yourself- then people will devalue you, underestimate you, pay you less than you're worth.' -iyanla vanzent, starting over.
iyanla said this to the women of the house about a week and a half ago, maybe 2, (rick's mom tapes it for me since fox no longer airs it, stupid fox.) i was struck by the words. that when i don't stand up for me, who really will? and i know this, but it seems like i just realized it. in part, because i have been on the verge of leaving the church for about 3 weeks straight now.
i haven't yet because i care about the kids and the worm program. i believe in the program and what it's doing, and i see that it is making a difference. we have 4 children who come pretty regularly who are dropped off for sunday school now. their parents (2 come from divorced homes, so we only see them every other week) do not attend our church, and possibly never will. but their kids are being served, their kids are receiving God every sunday they are with us. and it makes me so happy that these children are here. and in fact, this past sunday we had 2 more dropped off. the family is apparently planning to attend the church this next week... my point is that we are doing something right, and something really good. and i'm thankful it's working so well. it's been a major battle to get it to this point. and i'm exhausted.
and throw in the fact that i work another job and am in school, there isn't time to sleep much let alone breathe much.
where i was going was that this church has only taken me at part time, in fact i am less than part time there because they don't want to pay me more or pay health insurance for me. and this is what ties into what iyanla said. i haven't spoken up for fear of rattling the cage any more, or causing people to have another reason to say, 'oh, we don't need her.' while it's true they don't need me, i have done some really great things, and they still do not see i am worth the money i should be getting, or the health insurance i deserve. or any sort of help either, because i spend every sunday morning during announcements BEGGING for help for the programs. it is a major issue apparently that people can't give 3 hours a month, once a year, to our kids. and for this i am deeply disappointed. and ready to leave.
(among a few other, far more ...i'm-not-sure-what-to-call-them issues.)
it pains me, it hurts to leave a church, it hurts to leave my kids, no matter where. but i keep asking, is this worth it?
and while the kids are worth my time, and more, the rest of the church and the situation isn't. and losing my health and sanity and sleep and happiness... it's really not.
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