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i've been being a bit... pretentious? lately with future wedding plans. they run through my head more than they should as an actual engagement has yet to happen. and i'm sure rick would have something to say about our future wedding ceremony. i'm not suggesting he doesn't. i just really like reading and getting ideas and thinking about it.

i have to say also that it used to be that i thought about getting married for the sheer joy of getting to plan a huge wedding and dressing all princess-y and having a big party. now, it's more the idea of actually being married. i never had given it real thought until rick. the idea of actually sharing my life with someone forever ~ of making decisions about children's names and finances and mattress buying and what kind of home to live in, ...which by the way, we have pretty much discussed all those.

the fact that these things are talked about and we are actually planning a future life is ...well it was a bit much for me. i kinda freaked out a couple of months ago for about 3 weeks. the idea of being responsible for anyone other than me was a bit scary. and the idea of letting someone into my life in such a way that they know i eat ramen noodles sometimes for dinner (stupid i know, but yes for real) was kind of like 'whoa'. anyone being so close to me, like my family but in fact closer was a bit overwhelming. and now, months later, i cannot fathom it any other way.

i asked him yesterday if he was going to change his mind about spending forever with me. i think it was a bit 'off' as a question to ask my future husband. but still, i felt like i needed to ask because if he was changing his mind, i had to know now, i can't get much deeper without serious (10 year) repair work by a therapist.

he's not btw, changing his mind i mean.

i hope he won't change his mind after reading this. :)

but this, is amazing to me. i see my parents, all of them, and wonder if it was like this for them. i wonder what happened to a love like this that it didn't last. i mean was it like this? did they look at this other person or think about them and well up in tears because it is so awesome that THAT incredible person wanted to spend their life together? i do. i am. it is the most ... amazing feeling. there aren't words to describe it. it has knocked me down and reduced me to tears when i think about how much i love this person. and how truly awesome it is to me that he loves me like that too. and i wonder what happened? not just to my parents, but to so many. his parents too. where does that kind of love go? how does it fade like that and end the way it did?

i can't answer those things even though i saw my parents marriage end. i don't know. i don't know if it was like this for them. in a way, and this is sad for me to say, but i hope it wasn't like this for my mom and dad. because what they each have now with other people is so much better than what they had with one another. and for something this perfect to crumble is so sad. it's almost moreso when you think they didn't get it right the first time. i'm happy for both now, but if it had been like this, it's sadder it didn't make it.


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