(no longer a nanny)Kate

so...
apparently my friendship with two people hinged entirely on my friendship with one.

and it isn't that i expected allegiance to me or anything, but i suppose i thought that my friendship to them was one in and of itself, not dependent upon anyone or anything else. and i was wrong. and so it hurts ... a lot.

and i know i can be a bitch, and i know that the issues between me and the one are there and it takes two to tango and so i am half responsible and thereby owe apologies. and i am sorry, but i am still tired. and there isn't much left of me by the end of the day. i admit my wrongs. but at the same time, i truly believed that my friendships with these other two were ... well, i guess all i can say is that silence grows. and apparently my own and has affected others far more than i thought. i'm sorry to all involved.


in other news, i got an email last week from someone i haven't heard from since high school, and she was telling me (i think without realizing who i was exactly) that we all (the youth and youth leaders of our diocese) needed to ban together to tell our diocesan leaders that we aren't willing to let go of our conference center.

the thing is, i had to write her back and tell her it's already gone.

over this past year some huge decisions were being made about this place. the buildings, mostly, are in need of serious repair and i understand the expense that goes into that. additionally, the previous bishops basically ignored the issues of the state of the buildings and so it has fallen to this one. and unfortunately for him, he's had to make this decision. and i'm sure it wasn't an easy one to make. but at the same time, i'd appreciate more honesty. i think there were things said that led us to believe the buildings and property would be held and cared for as best as possible until further decisions could be made. thereby giving time for monies to be raised to help and grants found to add to those monies and our beloved home of sanctity and sanctuary rescued.

this is not to be. the buildings come down at the end of june. and so the interiors have been stripped, stone patios auctioned off, and walls broked into to salvage copper plumbing. it is truly depressing. and disheartening. the one place i think we all counted on as a home and place of refuge and rest and God's heart and warmth and laughter... just isn't going to be forever.

it's harder growing up than i would have thought. maybe if i hadn't been in such a hurry then, i would have savored the times there more. i know that holds true of many other things in my life... susan, gary, school, my family, my grandma, happenings, new beginnings, ... it's all a part of me, so in a way thornfield will never be forgotten... but it is sad my children will never see it.

and so i will close this post with memories of thornfield... beloved respite.

* happening #19 ~ first time there, rooming with shelby c. and getting to know reuben, who was to become one of my best friends. the healing service, the stations, the moment i knew i was loved far beyond the oceans depth.

* winter conferences in the snow and chilly winds.

*happening #20 ~ being a part of team gave me more than i can say. reuben was rector, and that was when i saw Jesus face to face. i'll never forget that moment either.

* happening #21 ~ clothes being stolen out of higley bathroom, thank you hunt.

* meeting chris h. there, a friendship that carries on now. and he's gonna be a dad!!!!! ack!

* falling crazy in love with dave h. as did i think every female in 20 miles of the man.

* summer conferences ~ trying to sneak out, never succeeding. eric was a hawk. gummy bears on the ceiling, pixie stix in the latest hours, thornfield mugs, jim, giles, and barrett as romans in toga sheets.

* allen's sombraro, sara's pedro look, maggie turning me to a vegetarian, eamon singing 'you've got a friend'.

* closing services, more than i can count. mom sandy's closing as lay spiritual director...

* mom julie's closing...

*tears, arguments, staying up way too late carrot tossing, more tears, laughter, lots of it, singing at the top of our lungs... trying to win over the guys in psalm 100.

there is so much love held in that place. i regret in some ways not making a final goodbye on june 5, but truly, i am happier knowing that i see it as it was, as it will be in my mind forever.

there have been three places in my life that have created the person i am, arnold lake, camp wright, and thornfield.

so i suppose the only thing that is left to say, is thank you. to the staff from thornfield, the teams who made it special, the conference staffs, the people who gave love and made it what it will always be. thank you thornfield for the memories.