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benny and joon

did you ever see benny and joon and watch the scene where joon loses it on the bus...

where she can't calm down
or control her actions
where she's fighting to be ok
and she feels like she doesn't belong
and she doesn't fit
and doesn't feel safe
and struggles just to breathe?

and thought to yourself 'i so get that'?

i have. i do sometimes. i feel that way about my life sometimes. about me.

that i don't belong here. in this life. that there are cosmic forces that made a mistake and planted me in this job, this financial situation, this mess, and really i wasn't supposed to end up here.

because i don't fit.
i don't drive an SUV and make money enough to pay my bills and feel like everyone should spend hundreds of thousands on an organ when there are people starving in my church's neighborhood. i don't make sense here. i thought i would, but i don't. things are not working in my life. and i want to rant and rage and carry on like joon just so i can get it out of my system and look for a clear path, something that makes sense.

things made more sense when rick was home. and i don't blame him in any way, i just was a lot more calm when he was near. now, i think because of how hard i am struggling just to


i can't calm my thoughts and they race and tear through me and make me nuts. i get nervous about stupid things. i get upset at little things. customers at wegmans who are rude upset me and wreck my day. the driveway being unplowed annoys me to a degree where i have a headache. i don't want to be this person.

i want to breathe.

in and out and feel oxygen filling my lungs and exhale and feel like i've accomplished something. small though it may be, i want to feel that.

i realize how bizarre this all may sound. but i suppose that's the road i travel. i walk this way, i wash dishes that way, i just am me.

and for once, i found someone who doesn't run and think i'm too much and doesn't make me feel like i'm completely out of place.

and dammit he's 2 and a half hours away.

and that thought just elicited a rueful quiet laugh. because far though he is, he's still mine. and i am his.

i'm coming, i'm coming home to you
i'm alive, I'm a mess
i can't wait to get home to you
to get warm, warm and undressed...

when somebody knows you well
well, there's no comfort like that
and when somebody needs you
well, there's no drug like that

and when i'm home, curled in your arms
and i'm safe again
i'll close my eyes and sleep, sleep
to the sound of london rain

so keep me, keep me in your bed all day, all day
nothing heals me like you do

thank God for rick.


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