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there's been a lot that happened recently, in my life and those closest to me. the job situation is still as it's been. three jobs and never enough money to pay the bills. my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a month ago. and i frankly am still very uncertain as to how to handle the idea that my mom isn't immortal. my church, at large and in parish form, is still in a strong version of chaos.

sometimes i wonder how i got here. i mean i know my life, i know the things that led me here, the steps i've taken to land me in this place and time, but at the same time, i have no clue how my life has ended up in the place. which may render me as stupid. but more than likely simply not on the path i once imagined. not taking the steps i want to be taking and doing the things i want to be doing. ... pulling up out of that seems so much harder than it's supposed to be. regardless of it all, i'm living it now.

now what am i going to do with it?

i guess that's really where i am at. with these questions and ideas and thoughts looming over my head. desires and the drive to do certain things, and not knowning how to get there... that's the problem. how to get there is the thing i don't know. and i need to figure that out in order to get anywhere, obviously.

in my office there are pictures of my kids, all of my kids from different places and stages in my life. camps, churches, college. they're the reason i keep walking the path i am on. regardless of whether i understand what i'm doing or where i'm heading. my kids at least keep me close to the original plans. however minute the similarity may be, they keep me tied to the first dream. they're still my life. they always will be.

side note....
birthday love and wishes to mom sandy b. and sweet zackie c.


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