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there doesn't seem to be a word that exists to explain the way i feel right now. ... my church has chosen to not renew my boss' contract. this means the entire staff also resigns as a way to allow whoever comes in next to hire their own staff. ...which wouldn't happen for at least a year to 18 months. regardless of this, my ...second in command boss (one of the wardens here in the episcopal church) has told me they would like me to stay. ...but how can i do that?

not just out of loyalty to lauren, although in part that is it.

but because how do you remain part of something that you disagree with and don't understand at all. i believe i may be feeling what my brothers and sisters of the newly formed 'anglican communion in america' must have felt this summer. how do i remain part of something i have loved all my life and believed in and stood up for when they are doing something so wrong.

i don't agree with the anglican crew that's breaking off. i do believe my Church is making the right moves at the time when they should be. i think the episcopal Church is doing an awesome thing.

but i do think i get the emotion they have felt. lost. confused. frozen.

i wish i got this stuff. i mean i wish it made sense to me. to choose the path they have chosen leaves them, i am not kidding in this statement, naked. they will have no one to do the work of the church. and i know, i KNOW this is not about me. but ... my kids. my new church family. my friends. ... my kids. the most important thing in my life is always my kids. and how do i help them? how do i minister to them in a place that ... does this? how do i tell them, God loves you, and God is here. ... and i just realized how that sounds. but how can i tell them that their vestry is doing the work of God? how is this God's will? truly... i cannot fathom this.

and undoubtedly this goes back to what happened this summer. not knowing and fully understanding what is going on is extremely hard for me. i do not function well in secretive situations. i enjoy having comprehension of the things that are happening, particularly when they are happening to me. directly impacting my life. and this... with the possibility of not being here, of leaving my kids, of losing a job, of being in this mess... and caught as i am in the middle... and not fully understanding why, does not bode well for me.

so now what?

so now what?


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