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being home is a bizarre thing.

it brings comfort and pain all at once.

my mom and i have a constant love/hate sort of thing. not that we actually hate, but we get very frustrated with each other, very upset with each other and generally argue on occaision loudly. it is harder because in my attempt to please her and keep her from getting on my case about things, i have neglected my own happiness severely. and it is hard because we all want our parents to be proud of us, we want them to be happy with us and who we are. and the life i have chosen, the life i live is not one that any of my parents would have chosen for me. and with all that happened... ...success is something my mom does naturally. she succeeds at everything. she's an excellent teacher, A+ student, financially strong, a great friend, cook, gardener, wife, and much of the time, mother. *rueful smile because of course she is a great mom*

i on the other hand don't seem to be a success by the same regards as she is. ....

self esteem is not something i come by easily. my strength seems to lack sometimes and i struggle in life. (in various ways). this doesn't make me less of a person or necessarily think less of myself. ...until i have conversations with my mom. she focuses on the positives in herself and in others. but for me, i always have felt the negativity radiate from her towards me. this is a constant sore spot and i am always on my guard with my mom ..... is that how it should be with our mothers?? somehow i don't think it is. i have yet to learn what to say to change the way i feel when she talks to me. as well haven't figured out how to help her understand. perhaps someday i will know and things will cease struggling.

until then, i need to focus on the positives for myself.... :) am going to dinner with someone i adore, my office is being covered with pictures of friends and kids and a certain special puppa. my bed is in NY now and i can't wait!! :) the confirmation program is being worked on and i'm getting it. ... i think. and the diocese is going to start looking for someone soon. ....which could mean another move, but i believe this one to be well worth it. syracuse... himiny :)

(speaking of himiny, i miss my pookie!!!!)

oh yes, and pippins, i posted a comment, but i wanted to say thanks here too... your post from july was a blessing today. even though i know when it was meant for... i'm happy i read it today. (tear)


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