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this job, this life...

in september of 2001, i left my job at a church, ostensibly so they would hire an associate pastor. in addition to that reasoning, it was also because i was simply burned out. i had graduated college and, after 4 months at camp, working 24/7 really, landed the job. i worked, hard, for 3 years at it. i was exhausted by the time i left. it came after months of thinking, praying, talking, and changing my mind. but when i left, i knew i had needed to. months later when i was interviewing for the madness i now call my life, my desire to work with children was the reason. i loved to work at the chiropractor's office. the patients were so important to me... but i missed kids. and although i could have gotten back into church ministry, i decided to try this...
and although i'm sure some of my friends are expecting my next sentance to be, 'what a mistake', it isn't going to be.
because despite the madness of this ... profession(?) i have learned so much more than i would have otherwise. about myself, my future plans, my desires, my needs. i've also learned what is not good for me. i've learned to say no, i've learned to walk away when it isnt' worth it... which much of this job feels 'not worth it' everyday. in the end, i know i have changed these girls. i see it. neighbors see it. even the cleaning girls who come to the house, once a week have seen a major improvement. which tells me i can actually be a mom someday and not have kids like this. i've also been so very lucky in my church, in my friends, in this place.
i'm still not a southern belle, by any means. nor fond of the frequent ...confederate flags i have seen, nor the attitude that is behind the display ... oi... i have found a church that loves it's kids, parents who are good parents, supportive of their kids, and of us, and good people. neighbors, other nannies, friends from st. j's and through the church, friends around the state in other churches.
so despite my strong desire to bolt from this job, almost weekly, especially last week, i can say i am still lucky. and finding that place where i belong... so very important, and it'll be found, may have already, but it will be so much better. in the meantime, i know that i am making a difference, however small, in the girls.


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