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home again....

i'm heading to NY this weekend, i feel the need to hug my parents, see my baby girl, be surrounded by CPC and the love i've known there, and the hope i still keep carrying...
i'm glad i have family there and i'm glad they are together right now. the worry i've had over the sniper doesn't compare with my own selfish worries for my family in recent weeks. i don' t think i can say much more right now, i can just keep hoping that the light will be seen and strength will be found and courage will happen as life is never easy. but sometimes you have to do things you never imagined you would have to do, or could do... like i said in my earlier blog about weird things to mention, walking away hurts, it isn't easy....
one of my ex's and i are friends and have been, almost since we broke up. it took us a while to be friends, it was really hard for both of us because of how deep we were in our relationship. i am thankful for what we now have, but i know at the time of our breakup, we were both a wreck. we've just been talking about it in fact, today he told me it was one of the hardest things he's ever had to do... i know how he feels. the end of us felt like the end of the world. at the time.

at the time. at that moment i know my heart ripped apart and i thought i couldn't breathe much less live in a world where it hurts like that. but we both knew we didn't belong to each other. and that we didn't belong together too. and God i love him still, as my friend and confidant, a person i trust deeply and admire tremendously. he is an amazing person. and i'm so glad to have him in my life. but as much as i admire, adore, and love him, he isn't for me, i know that, he knows that, and we're good as we are.
sometimes walking away is the hardest thing you ever have to do, sometimes it's the best thing you can ever do. thanks crazy work out boy. :)
of course in the same breath, i am still hoping for something that may never be. and maybe i'm supposed to walk away too. which i think might kill me, but then again....

taking your own advice is always the hardest.
steven, i love you, no matter what you do, you mean more to me than you know, i only want the best for you. please, walk away. please know i love you. and please know i am here, for whatever i can do.
if only brothers listened.

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