(no longer a nanny)Kate

comments that to me are helpful...

over the last few months i have known pip through my beloved pookie and her roomie valmarie (their blogs are linked here... bride's journey, val's life take 2, and pip's world) ...
and it seems that pip and i are going through a lot of the same things, or have gone through them anyway.... to those who don't read the comments people add here... here's what he just told me...
"after walking through the fire and being burned beyond recognition, you may have less than you started with. much less. incredibly less than you began your journey with... but what you have now is real - and now that it's stood the test of the flames, you know - it's real."
and i need to say thank you to him. i know there is so much that is still real. much more than i thought i had left. after literally surviving so much in my short life, i have much more than i think i could have asked for. and still, i keep looking for that one thing, person, who is going to be the last that i need.
and although i believe it to be in God's will, i'm not God, don't claim to be. don't want to be.
miss j and i were talking today, and she's the smartest and funniest thing all at once. they read a story in preschool today entitled the little old lady who's not afraid of anything. the little old lady is not afraid of spiders or snakes or frankenstien or ghosts or monsters or anything. i said to miss j. that she is a very brave little lady. miss j. said, 'that's because she knows that God is taking care of her'....

now i know we listen to veggie tales a lot, and i know she sings that song all the time... but still, something has sunk in. because she then followed it with 'God is taking care of me and miss s. and mommy and daddy.... ' and so on.

so despite my desires and my own selfish plans, God is taking care of me. HE knows what's best, not me. and He is going to give me the desires of my heart. and the true desires of my heart are not so much for things to work, my way. they are for God's will. my desires are for God to do with me what He will. so whatever that may be... may it be. He is taking care of me. He has been, otherwise i wouldn't be here now. i wouldn't still be walking this earth, without Him, i am not. not at all anything at all.
thank God He is who He is.

i still want what i want, but i want more of what God wants.... as pip said a few blogs ago :)
"i want to do the God thing, not the good thing."