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Foolish Girl...

i am that is. i mean i am a foolish girl. things in my life... sometimes i wonder where i am, what i am doing, and where am i going... and in all this, i wonder how in the world i have ended up with my life as it is.
i was reading my pookie's :) friend pip's site the other day, (http://pipsworld.blogspot.com), and he's... well, you can read it yourself, but familial divorce/separation, etc. tough stuff...
and i know that my own parents divorce, 6 years ago, has impacted me tremendously. as have various other events in my own life. losing that safety net has been the hardest in many ways, and in some, has been a blessing. i love my parents deeply. and i know they are both so much happier now than then. mom is remarried, happily :) to my great stepdad. and dad is dating someone i adore too. so i know in my very being, that they are better now, happy, and doing well. but there is a part of me that will always wish i had a family unit again. one family, instead of this chaos i call my family... mom's side, dad's side, stepdad's side, dad's girlfriend's kids... my stepsisters, and their kids... it keeps growing. i love them all, but i never thought i would attend so many thanksgivings, or christmas', and i will never stop wishing for my home as it was.
that isn't to say i'm unhappy with things, or that i dislike my new family, my re-invented family. it's just different when you grow up one way, and lose it all while away at school. it isn't home as you remember.
for those who's parents split when they were little, they never knew different, or what they did remember, is not much. i had over 20 years with a single family unit. it's very different to be an adult child of divorce... it also explains a lot about who i am....
i don't trust as easily, but i want to quickly, so i try harder and rush and never take a minute to think if it's right or not. until i'm in the midst of it all, then i think 'whoa, somebody stop me. i have to get off this ride.' and then i make bigger mistakes than i would make if i went into relationships slowly.
i am so sorry brian. i love you so deeply, and i know that won't change. but i know what a mess i have made. you deserve better than the person i was.
and so i am growing from those mistakes, and realizing i don't need to rush. which is fine, because i don't think i have anything to rush to. but at least now i know...
i am a more guarded person too. about what i want, i can't make things as clear as i wish i could, because i don't fully know what it is i want in this thing we call love. (i can sound so cliche when i want to... ) i only wish i could be clear. or when i am, it's too much too fast because in the end i am fearful it won't work anyway, and i don't trust and i only come out of it bruised and in the mean time i have sabatoged it and realized too late i was too hurried and too fast and too much...
i used to meet with a counselor to talk about this... she kept telling me that i am not too much. i never used to think i was, till i started seeing i demand as much as i do. and that makes me too much.
i demand a lot. i know it. but for my life, MY life, MY life i feel i have a right to expect a lot. it is mine, the only one i have got, everyone has a right to be picky and expect a lot out of whomever they are with, .... as i see it, we are only given one chance at this life on earth. on shot to make it the best it can be. one opportunity to have the opportunity, to make it all we can, enjoy it to the fullest, live without regrets. and thus far, i regret very little. (my friend ben porter from CW, a fellow NY'er, would agree... he has a song entitled no regrets...) it isn't easy to live without them, we all have a few. but to continually berate ourselves and regret an action long over with... well i guess it cannot benefit us as much as we somehow want it to.
and so with that said, ben j. i am sorry, i made mistakes. i wish we had a friendship in tact, but we don't. and i can't make it that way. i've regretted my mistakes long enough. i'm sorry, my best to you.
my babies from CPC, i love each of you, i regret leaving on short notice, not giving all the reasons why, but the real reason is i couldn't do it all like i was and still think i could come through the day with my wits about me. they were beginning to fade quickly.
mary, i am sorry you look upon our former friendship as you seem to do. i love you and your family. my intent was to protect your sister, never to inflict harsh feelings upon anyone in your family. i hope you accept my apoligies.
bmw, heaven only knows how deeply i have hurt over this. no one can know how much i miss you, love you, and cry over what has happened, but God himself. i am so sorry. my love, always.

so having said apoligies for regrets i still have, and desiring only a way to make them right, hoping that they will be, but doubting it all at once...
life makes us into who we are. the things that happen to us, the people that touch us. i am perpetually grateful to so many for their impact on my life. those people will never know how deeply i am thankful, nor how much i love them...
my 'adopted families', too numerous to name, my own wild family, my beloved pookie :) , brian, my youth leaders from HS and college, the youth i have worked with, my mentor eric, my dear friends from CPC, particularly the frisbies :) LOVE YOU, leaders i have worked with, sherrie, eva, dana, karin, joy and jerrod, and now john, barbara, sydney, and all the rest... and the people i will forever miss, gary, susan, my grandma... and my original family unit... i still miss it, but i am stronger now. i see happiness beyond my desire, and i am content to live this life with my family. i have grown more. and maybe one day it will all be clear... i will learn and be better for it.
and i will have a life to live that is without regrets. .....for now, i start my 26th year of life new, to try move beyond those regrets i have been carrying, forgiving myself as i hope those i have apoligized to, forgive me.

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