(no longer a nanny)Kate

being back in V. A.

it hasn't been bad, i don't work right now!! whoop whoop! :) (you know!) and so it has been pretty nice to be still. i did get a lot done for camp, but so much more to do... so although i didn't want to come back in many ways, i am and it's good. and seeing nanny #6 with the girls, she's tougher than me. (maybe because they wore me down, i don't know), but i'm glad to see that. they need it. :) so i'm hearing her and silently saying 'way to be k.'

church will be tough, my actual last sunday here... but i'll resist the urge to cry out 'my babies' when the seniors are announced .... well, i'll try.

one more thing, the best thing about being home, being with good people. NY'ers may be bitchy at times, we may be pushy and and a bit snobby... but when you really look at it, we aren't. (that's our image to the outsiders) and i hate to sound almost as though i've gotten southernist (think ageist or sexist but with the south), but i am a yankee and i miss that. b., thanks. my family, you're the bestest. my church, i love you. my kids, you rock. *sigh* i know i'm going to love richmond, but i know i'll eventually be back in NY. love it so much. himiny. (pookie, that phrase, we'll never get rid of it... what is that anyway??)

the virginia complex

it seems to me lately that there's something about being a virginian that makes one think they are holier than thou. and then they try to pass it off as though it isn't there, but still manage to try to make you feel worthless all the same.

i knew when i moved down here it would be different. and a little hard. but what i have noticed is that permeating sense of "i'm better than you are... nyah nyah nyah nyah". i can't stand it. and it isn't found in those people who are not virginian by birth. or texan. the people i've met who i qualify as good people, syd and her husband, keith, l & k, many of my kids (by right of their parents not being born and bred VA'ians) aren't like that. they are good people. they are kind and thoughtful and listen and behave as one would expect friends to behave. ....the people i live with, and around, and certain others, being VA bred, have that. it disturbs me quite a bit, and will probably lead to my leaving VA eventually. simply because it drives me insane.

i know i am a good person. i also know i am of value and worth. for many reasons. but for some reason felt it was important that these people like me, being the people pleaser that i am, that the other stay at home moms in my neighborhood, as i am currently (but only for a week and a half more!!!!!) ...i wanted them to like me. clearly, from the get-go, i was not j. (the previous snotty nanny) (which explains a lot as far as the girls go) and the moms didn't like that i wasn't her. too bad. but i tried anyway, and thought they did, but it's clearer now than it was that i am merely a passing thing, and of no importance and so can be treated miserably, like dirt. or at least that is their plan.
the same goes for a certain few others, who shall remain nameless, but harbor the same attitude.

thereby, these people are not worth any more of my attention. in fact it isn't even worth the time i spent writing this. but 1) I feel better and 2) let it remind my family and friends that i am thankful for you. because you have not treated me as such, and i am thankful to have you. and actually a third, may it serve as a warning to those thinking of moving here, that unless you can purvey that same perfect attitude, this isn't the place for you.

and people ask why i love maryland and new york so much... is it any wonder??

news from nannylife...

my 6 months is fast approaching and i am thankful.
for a lot of things. i do like this family. i love the girls and we have a ton of fun together. but i have learned a lot of things. one being, this is not really the job for me. i love kids, and i enjoy the area, my VA family, all kinds of aspects of this job and the 'perks' that go with it. but i'm definietely not cut out for being a nanny. so although when i do leave, it'll be hard, i know i am leaving a job i'm not destined for anyway. i was talking to another nanny today, who's been doing this since '94. (off and on she said). i cannot imagine doing this for more than a year, or it being a lifelong profession. but i think it's simply because i'm not nanny material from the start.
i'm hopeful whoever replaces me in 6 months will love these girls as much as i do. maybe more and be more nanny-ish :)
in other news... let's see... i'm heading home soon again. for t-giving and my (non)turkey day with my families. always fun. will be spending time with friends while home too, one being my friend chris (who i doubt has read this site EVER) who has a nasty habit of reminding me of my age. he's going to get his soon. grr.
in addition, i'll be able to spend some quality time, i'm hoping, with b. who has been and despite his contrary thinking (due to lack of communique) is still one of my very best friends. i would truly be lost without and whom i also need to convince that GA is not the place to be. (any ideas would be helpful).
beyond this, i am preparing for my role as the ghost of christmas present in an upcoming production i am in and am generally enjoying life. it's easier in some ways this nannylife...
so although i have no words of wisdom for the day or for now anyway, i can say that i am happy in where i am and pray my friends are too.

diary of nannykate

i have decided to remove that blog for various reasons...
one being i simply don't keep up with it, it isn't my entire life that is. and so i don't write to it often.
as well, it was written in many ways to simply vent about things, and i've done that now, and am done doing so. i think that it has potential to damage things in areas of my life, and so i have removed it. i apoligize to valmarie and pip as my site was linked to theirs, they will have to remove it. but i felt it was time. it simply was worrying me too much, too often. and it isn't worth it.
this site on the other hand, i feel has done me good and is doing good for certain friends. so i will continue to post re: families and divorce, friends, my life in general. because it's not that i think my life is so fabulous you all need to read it, it's more a thought that i think somewhere it may help someone, and so far, it seems to have done so. so nannykate real life continues...
my thanks to the faithful.
nk

comment ~ i have removed my OTHER blog site, not this one. although the other can still be found via val's site, i am trying to emove it entirely... however, it is still popping up. regardless, this site will continue, but the other page, diary of nanny kate will be no more.

please...

let the men they have arrested be the snipers.

addendum...

it would appear that it is in fact the men who have been terrorizing the area lately. and i am already breathing easier. but then again, i keep thinking, maybe it's only 2 of them, how do we know there aren't more...?
i dislike this fear, this worrying everytime i take the girls somewhere. is it any wonder i am not a city girl? with worry like this, i need to be amongst the deer in the forest. :)

the shootings, the fear, the frustration...

so the shootings have continued, over the last weekend two more people have lost their lives to the maniac running around this town. (well, not THIS one we hope, but the area, you know what i mean...) the fear lately with mrs mom and i (as well as our neighbors) is that this guy or guys are hitting every DC/metro area, county that is, but loudon, where i live, has not been hit yet.
which frightens me more, because he's been making his way around and now... i don't know.
i hate living in fear. fr. john from the church i attend sent a letter in this weeks loaves and fishes about it...
and he said what i've been thinking and feeling, and how staying in is letting him win.

but at the same time, although my worries are more for the girls, i still am not quite ready to go home yet. there are people i want to see again. things i want to do. family i want to love still. best friends who i want with me still.
i'm not ready to let go just yet.
so i'm not ready to die just yet either.

and the frustration of this whole thing, the fear after 9/11 was more in that we were afraid to fly, something not everyone does everyday. we were afraid to travel as a nation because you didn't know if the terrorists would hit again the same way.
the fear now is in the everyday. the mundane. the simple and daily rituals of life. walking miss s. to the bus. taking miss j. to preschool. going to the grocery store. buying craft supplies. filling the gas tank. the mundane now require such alertness and awareness of our surroundings that we are fearful to perform them.
and i hate that i cannot live a normal life here. so frustrating. so confining. i never lived in such fear in all the times i traveled alone around NY state. never in all the times i went to NYC, never in anytime i set foot on a plane did i worry as much as i do now walking out my front door.


in other news, my kids at the church are great. the family i live with, well, things are overall better this week. my mom and dad and i are all banning together to support each other as we worry about my brother (although we've all worried the whole time he's been in FL, not just now). my friends here, syd, keith, fr john, are fabulous. friends elsewhere are just as much so. the moms and dads of the kids i work with are wonderful and fun. and my best friend is still my beloved pookie. and thank God for her. and b. ...is still my all. my heart. my desire. so besides the aforementioned fears and frustrations, i am well. i'm alive, and fairly content. and thankful for those who love me. thank you. more than you know...

shootings, D.C., and my own worries....

our nations capital has been bombarded, literally, this past week. in the last 6 days there have been 8 shootings within an hour of my home, within an hour of DC in montgomery county, MD, Bowie MD, and the northern part of DC itself. 6 of these were fatal. two were not, a woman has survived an attack and a 13 year old boy, shot at school, is in critical, but stable condition.
i am frightened, not for myself, but for the girls i care for.
these shootings have been random, aimed at various people on the street, and now at a school, without any apparent rhyme or reason. none of the victims have known each other, were involved in any similar organizations, etc.
the killer(s)are ruthless, heartless type(s) aiming straight for our fear, and hitting it every time.
the article i read today in the metro section, by Marc Fisher made me cry. while miss j. ate her lunch, i sat with tears flowing over the constant fear which is gripping this area.

the police know nothing; they search woods and stop box trucks, and really, they don't even know what they're looking for. the politicians know nothing; they step before nests of microphones and for once, they're thankful for reporters' questions, because the statements are short and empty. teachers know nothing, except that hugs work and rule books don't. parents know nothing, except that they need to be with their children. children, even when they aren't told a thing, know too much.

in the vacuum, when they couldn't reach either of their parents by phone, two brothers, rommel pendaranda, who was home from work feeling ill, and emilio, who was home from high school with a case of hives, set out on foot to fetch their younger brother, jeremy, who was at tasker middle school. they take him out of school and place him between them, their arms stretched over the boy's shoulders, and now, as they walk home, rommel leans over and kisses jeremy on the top of the head. they don't know a thing, except that they have each other.

i am fearful. and it angers me to be afraid of monsters like these. that they are out there and this happens and someone, who is probably not connected to al quida and is terrorizing my new home area this way... it angers me more if these person(s) are not connected, because how and why would someone do this to us when we are afraid enough?
so i hate to say it, but i am hopeful they are al quida. connected somehow.
because the thought of a patriot killing this senselessly and shamelessly and violently tears my heart apart.

what have we become?
what have i become to hold anger toward another person in this way?
what have we done to ourselves to make one of us, in this time especially, do this to us?
i am fearful of what we've become. fearful of the fear i'm carrying for two little girls who are not my own but i would jump in front of a bullet to save.
fearful that they have to grow up in a society where this happens. fearful that they can't be kids.
fearful that none of us will be ever again.

addendum
another shooting happened wed night. in manassas. 45 minutes away. the mrs and i are probably more freaked .... her, because it's her kids, me because it's her kids.
what is wrong with people? how did the sickness of evil get this bad? how is this person(s) actually able to live with themselves?

i hate that i'm afraid.

addendum #2

another shooting occurred while i was writing the last entry. this man is also in the hospital.
what frightens me the most is not for my own life, i'm 26, i've lived a pretty good life so far. and i know where i am going when i die. God's house. i'm not worried as much for myself. i don't think i've ever really feared death.
i fear for the girls. for my kids at the church. for the safety of other people who have children or are caregivers.
they are people who, not that i'm not worthy to live, but are having their life ahead, decisions to make... i at least know heaven is my home. it waits for me as i wait for it (long term), but those who've yet to decide. or who are raising little people. i would hate to know any of the people who have lost their life have little children.
it is the hardest to lose a parent when you are young.
i do have some fear, i like life and want to live it, but death itself doesn't frighten me. i've seen it too many times. watched it. ... i sound morbid. but i have lost so many in my life for needless reasons that it no longer harbors power of me myself. not power of fear anyway.
this person is an idiot.
i pray they catch him soon.