(no longer a nanny)Kate

So.


Where am I at with all the shoes- ones that fit, ones that don't, some that are pretty, others that are hand-me-downs, that are just there... ? Good question. All this 'shoe' business was started in an effort to explore myself and how I've ended up as the mess that I am. Also, it was begun with the hope that I would not only learn about that process but change me, become less of a mess, grow into something else a little bit.

And where am I?


No idea. I don't know that I can see where I am any better or how to change. I see a bit more how I ended up with the fears and worries and all that. ...But I don't think it's given me any direction on how to change what I am doing currently.

**More really honest stuff coming up**

D and I have been having the same fight pretty much monthly, sometimes more than once a month. Its about where we are, how I'm feeling, how I need... ...I don't know, more I guess. And how really, when it comes down to it, when I wipe away my whiny-ness, its about me being unable to accept him as he is.

And until I wrote those words I didn't really realize how much I wasn't just taking him for who he is. Huh. Somehow when I think about that, I'm not shocked. I am really a fussbudget, I want things just so, even though I try to be calm and laid back. I'm not that woman. I can't live with piles of clothes everywhere, I can't accept his past, I can't just be where we are and then move forward. I have pulled a bunch of no-no's in this relationship. I wish I could say I was all well behaved and unselfish and smart about everything. But nothing could be further from the truth. I've looked at his phone. I've looked in D's computer. (he knows this and while I am more than a little certain he was pissed, he's forgiven me... which I should take a lesson from). I'm one who when I find one little thing, I hold onto it, and dig deeper, looking for crap that shouldn't be dredged up because its not really there for me to do anything with.

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I spent a lot of my life on a lake in central NY, and it's a clean, spring-fed lake with none of that seaweedy stuff you find in the Finger Lakes or other lakes. We would paddle that lake in canoes, swim in it for hours, play waterball with the dads, look for salamanders, fish, find the ever-haunting stump, and generally LIVE on and in that water for a month of our lives as kids. We would paddle in canoes to the end of the lake which we called Sandy Beach. There the twigs and acorns, grass clippings and dead fish would sometimes collect. Sometimes. We went there looking for salamanders because it was the shallowest part of the lake and warmer for the little guys. Not all the flotsam/jetsam would be there. But sometimes there was a lot of it, icky-ness you didn't want to wander through looking for salamanders. This clean, beautiful, memory-filled place even had it.

Every one I know has flotsam and jetsam in their lives. Its impossible to live a life without it. (Even my perfect Bubbs has it I bet). :) But point is it's there. And you don't need to look far to find it. But IF you look for it, you will find it. And you won't want to muddle through it because it is icky and it isn't your crap. (the definition of flotsam and jetsam is pretty much debris ...and well, debris usually equals crap in my book (side note, ask any of the VanD kids what crap is and they'll tell you its the stuff on the side of the road)). The crap of our lives, mistakes we've made, things we've survived, things we wish we hadn't lived through...

Losing Gary at 16
Losing Aunt Susan at 23
Losing my Grandma B at 24
My parents divorce
Ex boyfriends
Uncertainty
Fears coming true
Friends who betrayed
Friends who abandoned
A job I left
A job I was fired from
Depression
Anxiety
Weight gain
Bad decisions
Good decisions that ended up with bad results
Medications
Plan A's that really weren't well thought out
Plan B's that didn't have a chance
Going back to school
Starting a new career
Moving
Moving
Moving
Moving

You get the idea. Emotional and spiritual and physical baggage that we've all got and wish we could just wipe away and walk away from and forget and be cleansed from. But there's no bleach strong enough, no place it can all go to, and no do-over. This is all we get. And our past lives are our lives. Good and bad, sickness and health, love and loss. You get what I'm saying. When you look at someone, you see one part of them. But there's always that crap trailing behind them because we all have pasts.

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So digging up D's past stuff that has nothing to do with us... My own fault. My own doing. And my own stupidity. (add that to my own flotsam and jetsam that's all over the pretty shoes that are too tight and are killing my feet- I might as well throw all the analogies I've been making in one thing together right?- and you end up with a really huge mess) I did stupid things. And now its time for me to either let it all go and accept him or get the hell out of Dodge.

I hope he'll stick with me while I work on accepting myself so I can accept him.

(and while I'm typing I've listened to "Far From Here" by Alissa Moreno about 20 times. You should go listen to it on her MySpace. She's pretty awesome.)