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'okay. here it is. your choice, it's simple. her or me. and i'm sure she's really great, but... i love you. in a really really big pretend to like your music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you love you. so pick me. choose me. love me.'
-meredith grey, grey's anatomy

while i want to scream that, and at moments wish i had thought of the words to be able to say them and claim them, i didn't and i think sometimes its better i didn't, and also that i haven't said them out loud.

because here's my big issue- i won't settle. not with work, not with school, not with love, not with my life. settling means i accept less than i deserve. and i deserve the best. i deserve all life can give me; i deserve a job that is good, has health benefits and a group of people i call family; i deserve A's; a good safe home; my family around me; a dog who will be better (if possible) than my sagey-kins; and a man who realizes that i am all that i say i am. who not only recognizes the spark, but welcomes it and strives to follow where it leads- knowing that it was for a reason. and who realizes that waiting, trying, attempting with someone who stunts your life, your dreams, your plans... isn't good for you and is less than you deserve.

and for me, i can't live with that. so maybe this quiet is better. sometimes silence is what screams the loudest. and sometimes, it just cries quietly. but it always speaks.

on another note, i'm accepting the 30th birthday pretty well now. *rueful smile*


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