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i don't know what i'm doing.

rick's eye situation is not getting better. his last surgery was supposed to be the last one on the left eye, opening up his vision and making everything better. we accepted that it would take a couple of weeks to heal and so have allowed for that in the expectations on his vision. it's been two weeks today. he should be able to see fairly well.

and he can't.

and because of this, because of the mass amount of times his eyes have been operated on and the lack of vision, he is withdrawn. and i am tired. and he drinks way more than he should for someone who is diabetic and he was supposed to be quitting the smoking when we started dating. and i just don't think that there is a single thing more i can do for him. and am also becoming depressed and withdrawn.

and i'm wondering when this started to happen. i've been so happy with him, until lately. it's just been hard to draw him into a conversation about anything. it's hard to help him find the positive all the time....

this morning my mom called which has led me into some teariness and talking about things to her, my priest, my friend rafael, and rick's mom. what do i do? breaking up because of this all isn't an answer to me. (i also realize that seems extreme as an answer because he's depressed... you aren't living this. i feel like i'dm be bailing, but at the same time, this is the hardest thing. to watch him almost self destruct over this. sight is a great thing, but it isn't the only thing. he has a brilliant mind that if he lets it, will bring great things into the world. if he remains buried in this emotion and focused on his lack of eyesight he will waste away. if the alcohol doesn't get him first... i'm not kidding.)

i don't know what to do.

and i'm not looking for answers today. i'm just venting things out. thanks for listening.


Oh I'm really sorry to hear about this. I know how much you love Rick - I think the only thoughts I have on this is to be patient. Be patient in terms of his eye getting better, and be patient about him coming out of his depression. Sometimes I find when people are withdrawn, they don't need someone to bring them out of it as much as they need someone just to sit with them, and be by their side. It seems like you're putting alot of pressure on yourself to be the one to pull him through and keep him positive and that must be very draining.

Keep your chin up, it's totally okay to feel the way you do. I think this will pass.

Also, in terms of breaking up, I've always found that when you can think of the prospect of breaking up without crying/getting upset, and it actually feels like a weight lifted off you, that's the right time. Anytime before that can be premature. Just in my opinion of course.

3:16 PM  

excellent point on the breaking up part. i cannot even begin to think about it without tearing up bigtime. i am now.
it's just hard to feel so helpless....
thanks for the good thoughts. i'm going to have to just calm down.

7:21 PM  

I agree with Sareet...
I know this to be true in my own life. There are plenty of people who mean well and who mean the world to me *including all kinds of loved ones* who cannot penetrate the walls that depression builds around you. And each new attempt to do so just makes you more aware of how out of touch you have become...
the times i have felt the greatest support and the greatest love have been from those who could sit with me while I cry and not say a word or those who have cried with me.
Continue to love him Kate. You cannot fight this battle for him but you can hold his hand through it. I will be praying for you. love you girl

7:23 PM  

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