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today... has exhausted me. completely.
i got to work today (at the church) thinking that it'd be an easy day and i'd deal with ordering/buying the curriculum and all. not an exciting day by any means.

instead, i was hit with the news that a youth weekend, an event which is supposed to occur 2x's a year for jr high aged kids, is completely stagnant right now. no one is doing anything with it. as in the person in charge of leading the weekend has been sitting on it since march. and hasn't done anything. literally nothing.

now i realize he's getting married, but ... i mean really, nothing?

how is this possible? i'm working like a maniac to make youth stuff happen, to keep tabs on everyone, to try and make things work in this mess of chaos we've been in. with all the changes my parish and diocese have undergone in the last year and a half, i guess i thought that (like myself) when people say they will take care of something, they do.

it never occured to me that people who seemed so earnest actually did and would drop that ball.

so now i have made 10 phone calls, sent out about 5 emails, and tried to figure out my next step. unfortunately for me, my phone calls have gone to many people who are not around. only 2 of those were around. the rest i've left msg's with. ... i mean, really, nothing??

i am supposed to be writing up what wings has done this year as well as apply for a vision grant for us for next year. i can't even begin to think about that. as well as order curriculum for the church and find sunday school teachers. i'm so... pissed off.

and disappointed.

and hurt.

and thinking that this is not the place for me. because i keep ending up doing it myself. and i don't want to do all this. nor can i.

and then i get to thinking about the kids i work with and how great they are and how much at least i've made a difference to them and they are 'good kids'.

till i read their websites. and then i feel like all of this work is completely for naught. they're bullshitting me and their parents and the entire diocese of central new york. with their good 'talk' and their feigned 'walk'. what the hell am i doing helping them, giving to them, supporting their mission work and their future plans and going out of my way to build up support for them when they go off to college?? if it's just to 'cover' for them (unknowingly) then i do quit.

the youth weekend i did about 3 weeks ago i had thought impacted them. changed them. made them see how precious they are, how much they can do and give to others, how much we love them... they are excellent scam artists.

and i'm the ass that keeps falling for the scam.

why am i doing this? why haven't i walked by now? why do i kill myself for them when they don't care and go out and drink themselves into an oblivian and drive that way and think it's ok? what difference can i possibly be making when this is what they do? i always want to believe they are doing the best they can be doing, they are making a difference, they genuinly are what they tell me they are. i was that way, they want me to take them at their word. how can i??


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