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so i've got a lot of things going on. and i'm unsure of where to begin, or of how much to say all at once. i am pretty discombobulated as it is, ... so perhaps rather than make it seem worse, i should post one thing at a time.

to start, things happen in threes. they just do. i said that to my future mother in law last night, and she told me not to think that way. that the 'bad news' of the day was done.
she was wrong. sorry susie.

within 5 hours i had heard of 3 things that were just... well they suck.
first, someone i once knew in HS has passed away. now i won't pretend i was close to her, i wasn't. i didn't know her well at all. pretty much just as an acquaintance. but she's ayear younger than me. and she's leaving behind family. not just parents, or even a husband. 3 kids. 3 little kids.

and i know only one of them. he's 10. he's a good kid. he is smart and a handful sometimes but he's going to succeed at life. i see it in him. he's determined. i'm not sure anyone else sees that in him, but i do. regardless, no matter what kind of child he is, he has just lost his mom. no kid should have to experience that. no kid should have to live without their mom. and my heart aches, for him. her parents and siblings and her other kids too. but he's the one i know best. ... it just sucks.

second, i leave a meeting at church to find out from a friend at work that one of our managers was the driver of a vehicle which hit two people, killing one. the one who died is 12. was 12. i cannot begin to fathom what this is doing to the man. i'm not sure i would ever recover. i don't know him well either. but i can guess at the guilt and emotions overwhelming him now. and i wish i could help somehow. but what could i do?

third, and this one isn't as bad, but still counts to me as mom is still in recovering process from latest chemo. chemo sucks too. but she was backed into last week in a parking lot. she came out of the store to find a couple surveying the damage. the man offered to pay and asked not to get insurance involved. logically, as i know i would have done the same, mom accepted the offer and didn't call police or anything. he's arguing it now and only willing to pay half.
now it wasn't me that it happened to, and what kind of hardships this man may be dealing with i don't know. he may have just lost his job. i don't know. but i do know that when you say you'll do something, you do it. not because you want to necessarily, but because you need to back your words up with action. talking the talk isn't cutting it.

the reality is there is little i can do in these situations. i can help my mom out a bit more than the others. but still, i can't help that much. none of these are situations which i had any control over, or even had anything to do with. heartbreaking to me, all of them, though. so i can hope. and i can pray. and i can think that maybe God will work through these things in ways i can't imagine. i know He can. i've seen Him do it many times.

i don't like feeling helpless though. i wrote a long time ago about a superman complex. i have it. i try to rescue people and save them from the world.
i've kind of stopped doing that. but i still don't enjoy watching things explode or fall apart or anything to the like.

my step dad sent me an email back when i wrote about the superman thing the first time. i quote him often. he told me it's like watching a snowball roll down a hill. it gains momentum and gets larger as it rolls down. and eventually, the hill ends. and something happens. a tree if you're lucky, but most times the snowball hits a house or something larger. you just have to hope, as you watch this obvious impending disaster, that some amount of th original remains at the end of it all. something sticks. my mom will be ok. my manager will be able to live, albeit with pain over what has happened, but still. micheal will also survive this. and may be stronger for it.

but the anticipation of how much worse it could all be is still there. it's probably worse than the actual will be. it just makes me sad i can't swoop in and rescue any of those in horrific situations. damn snowballs.


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