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so i was logging onto this with the thought of deleting several posts of the last week and writing an entirely new one...
but have decided deleting the posts isn't a good thing to do. just because i can, doesn't mean i should. deleting them is deleting part of me. of how i feel, think, and respond to the things in my life.

and right now, i wish i knew how to respond. i feel phyisically ill. truly, i feel like crawling into a hole and never leaving it again. the frustration over the events of late... i thought things would be different this time. and i should have known then that it wasn't going to happen, again. but i guess i kept hoping that this time it would be.

that was the 4th time it would be different...

you'd think i'd get it by now. except that it keeps coming up, we keep going through this, so there is clearly more there than just my feelings. there's more going on than just me in all this, but the outcome keeps staying the same. ...which kills me, and i wonder why we keep going through this. ...regardless, i think this is the end. it is over now. and it sucks. and it hurts. and i know i've got people who love me and want to help me, but this wasn't supposed to be like this. it just isn't...

i feel like a drama queen. but this... it sucks.


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