(no longer a nanny)Kate

changing blogs...

and my changing life.

i got the job i've been hoping for in richmond, and am very excited about it all. it's perfect for me, and i hope i can be as perfect for it as i want to be.... besides that, i had written this blog about one thing, and have changed it. clearly. my life is about to change, dramatically, in a few short months. i will be back in full time youth work. i will be back in the life i love. but a little wiser about it all too. having learned so much from the last time.....

my hopes? that i make a difference, that i affect lives, positively, that i can abide in the life i have chosen, happily. i was happy before, but gave too much, took nothing, and wore myself out (the learned part). so i am at least aware of what i need to do for me. additionally, i'm hoping for certain aspects of my life to change, slowly (not that they could get slower than they are right now... ahem), but to grow as i've been hoping. last night i had been thinking through the way things were going. and was beginning to feel that frustration again. that same, why is this happening again? haven't we already been through this? didn't we talk this all out. and i went to bed, still thinking that, but so happy about the job (himiny!) and a few other things, that i was pretty much asleep by 10:15.

until my phone rang.

and he changed it all.

again.

it seems like he enjoys seeing me reach a point where i'm ready to walk away again, and then grabs me back. i'm not sure i totally want to keep this up much longer. but i do know that despite walking this middle ground together, "cop-out" city, he is still the one i want.

so why am i saying all this?? because change, inevitably, happens. (so deep, i know). but it does. my life has been on a bizarre roller coaster the last two weeks. i've been anxious and worried and excited and thrilled and all at the same time. and i'm not supposed to have someone in my life who is adding to that anxiety and excitement all at the same time. vsb's aren't supposed to do that. ...but he does. and maybe that's why i feel the way i do, the challenge drives me to insanity, but the desire drives me to hang around the cliffs of insanty long enough to be brought back to happiness. ....

this seems to be a running theme with me, my life. insanity, happiness...

...sent these words to my cousin today.. think it's relevent to this all....

"...i keep expecting him to come through... and talking to a mutual friend of ours today, he's saying to keep expectations low. i'm thinking i'd have to abandon all expectations... and honestly, that's not how friendships (or any relationships) work. it isn't... ...to have friends, you have to be one. to be loved, you have to love..."

do i forget everything i've ever learned about how to treat people? and forget that expecting nothing from people leaves you with nothing? you set expectations on children, and more often than not, they attain higher goals. this isn't to say pressure, but expectations on them... to live well, treat others with respect, love and care for family and friends, to be happy, to seek out that happiness in their daily lives, be it work, school, friendships, relationships, family, hobbies, whatever... you want them to grow and learn. i don't think these are unreasonable expectations to have on kids. i think this is what i expect of friendship. the occaisional call/ card/ note/ email. the time to spend together... and the closer the relationship, the stronger my desire to do this for others, and typically (as seen in my beloved pookie :) himiny) to respond to that in the same way.

i just think to abandon all expectations ... .... is to abandon hope of this actually growing. to expect nothing, leaves me with no hope, no anything. and i hate that this is the one that is getting blown, because i see what it could be... and it harbors potential for so much more. it can become something so great.

key words, potential, can.

love stinks. (with respect to the j. geils band)