(no longer a nanny)Kate

why?

why is it that my life seems to have these.... repetitive occurrences (?) ...i wish i better understood the male species, maybe i wouldn't have this problem. i'm not sure. and then i think, it's all me, there is something inherently wrong... with ME. there must be.... because this wouldn't happen to me otherwise. ....

and i'm not sure i actually want to bare my soul to anyone who happens upon this page. it somehow seems whiny and ridiculous as well as simply an overshare. but it comes down to this, i am someone who gives, a lot, of herself to those in her life. often, and much. which goes back to my simple desire to be a friend and love those who love me. i don't think i ask much. in fact, i ask for so little in return, it's practically a nonexistent point to actually make. however, i have to ask for some common curtesies.... like telling someone, a few days before i'm supposed to be somewhere to take care of something for you, (vs. the day of, or day before) that i'm no longer needed to be there. i don't mind, but to have it occur repeatedly, it's annoying and rude. to have people be there when i am literally ripped apart by the loss i am experiencing (this isn't a recent point, it's an old point that brings old wounds to the surface whenever i wonder why this person is no longer in my life....) also, i have to ask that i not be pulled into something that isn't going anywhere.

dammit. if you're going to kiss me, it better lead to something. because now, i'm seriously pissed. and i don't want to feel this way about a certain someone... i really don't, but i have to stand up for myself and ....

.... i just am so tired. i want to say ...certain things, but you know what?... i don't want to be pissed. i don't want to be hurt. i don't want to WANT to kick someone's ass. i just want to be treated fairly. and i want this to work. and if i'm moving away, then before i find a job that IS 'away', give me a reason to stay. i might. because if it's going to be worth it, if tears are going to be worth the joy at the end of it, then it's ok. i can handle the tears of the moment.

i want it to be worth it. it's supposed to be worth it. especially with this one. it's not supposed to be like this....