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the shootings, the fear, the frustration...

so the shootings have continued, over the last weekend two more people have lost their lives to the maniac running around this town. (well, not THIS one we hope, but the area, you know what i mean...) the fear lately with mrs mom and i (as well as our neighbors) is that this guy or guys are hitting every DC/metro area, county that is, but loudon, where i live, has not been hit yet.
which frightens me more, because he's been making his way around and now... i don't know.
i hate living in fear. fr. john from the church i attend sent a letter in this weeks loaves and fishes about it...
and he said what i've been thinking and feeling, and how staying in is letting him win.

but at the same time, although my worries are more for the girls, i still am not quite ready to go home yet. there are people i want to see again. things i want to do. family i want to love still. best friends who i want with me still.
i'm not ready to let go just yet.
so i'm not ready to die just yet either.

and the frustration of this whole thing, the fear after 9/11 was more in that we were afraid to fly, something not everyone does everyday. we were afraid to travel as a nation because you didn't know if the terrorists would hit again the same way.
the fear now is in the everyday. the mundane. the simple and daily rituals of life. walking miss s. to the bus. taking miss j. to preschool. going to the grocery store. buying craft supplies. filling the gas tank. the mundane now require such alertness and awareness of our surroundings that we are fearful to perform them.
and i hate that i cannot live a normal life here. so frustrating. so confining. i never lived in such fear in all the times i traveled alone around NY state. never in all the times i went to NYC, never in anytime i set foot on a plane did i worry as much as i do now walking out my front door.

in other news, my kids at the church are great. the family i live with, well, things are overall better this week. my mom and dad and i are all banning together to support each other as we worry about my brother (although we've all worried the whole time he's been in FL, not just now). my friends here, syd, keith, fr john, are fabulous. friends elsewhere are just as much so. the moms and dads of the kids i work with are wonderful and fun. and my best friend is still my beloved pookie. and thank God for her. and b. still my all. my heart. my desire. so besides the aforementioned fears and frustrations, i am well. i'm alive, and fairly content. and thankful for those who love me. thank you. more than you know...


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