That damn shoe.
I've started a couple of posts to continue, but I'm not sure what to say that doesn't sound whiny and fussy. And lately, I've been a lot of both at home and that makes me not want to be that way anymore. As if I want to say 'Enough of this, get on with your life'. But I feel like I need to continue in order to get it out of my system. So. Here it goes.
In high school I lucked out. I went to Happening and found friends all around NYS that were fun and funny and we loved being together- not just at those overnight weekends, but we would drive hours to hang out at someone's house, go to someone's high school play, watch someone play lacrosse, and be at each other's graduations. Happening became my family outside of my family, and I was incredibly lucky not just in the friends I had, but in the 'parents' I acquired. Mom Sandy and Dad Mark, Mom Julie and Father Tom, Mom Suzie and Dad Dean, Mom Marti and Dad Jim, and another Mom Marti and Dad Charlie. I saw what a love filled, God-centered, deliberately decided upon marriages were. I saw that in parts of my life prior to and since then, but something about all my 'other parents' relationships was different. All of those people ...made the very well thought out, planned, deliberate choice to spend their life with their spouse. There was no part of their marriages that were haphazzard, thrown together, ....chaos that I felt within my parent's marriage.
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To make it more clear- My mother has (I think when I was in high school or maybe early college) told me that she had been very in love and involved in a long term (like almost 2 year) relationship with someone she went to college with. My dad had gone on a couple of dates with one of my mom's best friends from high school and they had decided it wouldn't work but this friend of my mom's thought that they would get along well and set them up, since my mom was no longer involved with previously mentioned gentleman. In one sentance- My mom was on a rebound. And my dad was convenient and fell for my mom. And that is what I mean by the haphazzard, thrown together, chaotic... and non-deliberate relationship. I'm not saying this was part of the shoe dropping/worrying that is me, but its part of how I view my parent's relationship.
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In addition to my Happening/CNY family and parents, I had the theater/music/tech club/drama club/crew in my high school that became my other family. I spent more time in the auditorium than anywhere else- playing cards, talking, hanging lights, painting sets, rehearsing, feeding lines to people, and generally hanging out. That one room- that huge enormous room that could be peaceful and awe-inspiring, and full of laughter -that was the place I was most at home (except for Thornfield). And I feel incredibly grateful for the life I had there, the friends I made there, and the way I felt there.
I was lucky in my parents that they allowed me freedoms- to drive to Syracuse, Skaneateles, Ithaca, Cazanovia, ...all over CNY and also to be out with my friends in the area we lived at all hours- to stay late at school because of rehearsal and go out to fork someone's yard at midnight. There was never a curfew because I always told them where I was and with who and when I'd be home. Before cell phones and I was out till 2 am often on the weekends.
I know that during this time, I wanted to be loved. And while I had lots of friends- good friends and many of those people from one part of my life became part of the other part (high school friends who attended Happening too, or Happening friends who were part of the rest of my life because they came to visit and be there for the plays and Talent Fest that I spent so many hours on in that auditorium). But I was always looking for 'the one'. Whoever he was, to love me, for me. To accept me and want me and love me for always.
Completely unrelated to the shoe dropping...
The story is also here. But watch this. And have tissues nearby.
The Other Shoe (part 2)
I have few memories from childhood, I just have a terrible memory, and so cannot clearly recall too many things from my growing up. I clearly remember certain days at Arnold Lake and things Carly and I did (my cousin who I was closest to as a child). I remember my twelfth birthday because I got my period for the first time. I remember my fifth grade teacher on my first day of school- it was a new school to me and he pronounced my last name correctly- Which is a big deal when your last name is so short and is so consistantly mispronounced by everyone under the sun. I have a very clear recollection of being about 12 years old and going somewhere with my mom, in our still pretty new Toyota Corolla, and before we were even at the end of our road, she said to me 'your father and I won't be married much longer'. Why she said this, I will never know. Confiding this information in your adolescent child does not seem to me to be a wise decision.
And I can say that that was likely the beginning of the waiting. Because the seperation and divorce did not happen for another 9 years.
So the waiting. The precarious life began. It was that moment that set me up to live in fear.
I am not trying to blame this on my mother- It is not because of her alone that I have unfounded fears that take over and reduce me to tears. It is just that this moment was the beginning. Knowing that my parents marriage would not survive time... There aren't words for that. As a child you believe your home is a safe haven, safe place. You can go there and things will always be the same and it will be the one thing in this world that will not forsake you to the rest of the dangers of the world. It is where you are most protected, loved, cherished, provided for... And I'm not sure that I ever fully had that once those words were said. Once the veil was lifted from my eyes, my home was different. It was still home, but it was not the place where I was safest. It was not the place where I could go and be protected from the scary world- emotionally. Physically I was always safe there. But emotionally, I could not relax.
I'm not sure I have ever completely relaxed since then.
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I was lucky that in high school, I became involved in the drama program and found people I could be myself with and find a home in the auditorium of my high school. I was also very blessed in the people at my church, most of all my youth leader Debra an my soon to be best friend Rueben. They sent me to Happening, and there, I breathed a little easier and found my other home at Thornfield.
That other shoe...
I read this post a few days ago, and I have said, many times in my own life, that I am waiting for that other shoe to drop. Always waiting. Always living in fear of what will happen, what it will mean, how it will affect my life, ...and living in a defensive state to protect what little bit of my heart I have allowed out.
Also, there's this comment- "I didn't know much about them, though down on the floor of the ocean, where I lived in my child world, I could sense disturbances up above on the surface of the ocean" (Nuala O'Faolin- Are You Somebody?)
She's speaking about her parents, and the trouble that assailed their marriage from early on. When you live in a world where there are mighty disturbances (not understood but are felt) from childhood on, I think you tend to grow up in such a way that the shoe is always dangling above your head, threatening your very precarious happiness. I believe this to be true at least for my brother and myself.
So now comes the part where I tell it like it is, I talk about things I don't know how to say, and I'll be honest, I don't know how long this post will be or if it will be several, but I know I'm going to be really honest. In hopes of a couple of things- that I will get it out of me once and for all and find a little therapy for myself in doing so, stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, and relax. And possibly if it helps someone to understand another or themself better, then that will be a good thing too.